June 11

I went through a couple of my things from my house in Philly- our garage is full of all my stuff from when my family moved me out of my house, so anytime I get a chance, I try to look at a few things or open a couple boxes. I can't do it for too long because my mind starts to wander and I get a little emotional, thinking about how I'm never going back to that house I loved so much and probably not going to live with my great roommates again. That chapter has closed and sometimes it's hard to accept. But anyways, I had a bunch of little quotes all over my room- in my desk, on my walls, etc. and I found one today that's from the show One Tree Hill and it says "you can choose to blame your circumstances on fate or bad luck or bad choices, or you can fight back." There are days that I just want to blame other things- anything to point a finger at, but like Dusty always tells me, this isn't how things are going to be. It only gets better from here and there's really nothing standing in the way of everything we want. Yeah, things are going to be harder and this definitely isn't how we planned things, but it's getting better. I don't know if I'm as strong as everyone thinks I am, but maybe I am stronger than I think. 

This isn't how my story ends. I didn't think I could possibly do much more than I already am. The main thing my body needs is just time, but I'm going to add in school (hopefully- once they receive my letter and we work something out) and I'm actually going to start meeting with a personal trainer at KKI this Wednesday. It'll probably only be about once a week, but she said we can work on whatever I want. Her boyfriend is a general manager at a Golds gym, so she even takes clients over there to use the equipment in a typical gym. I think this will be extremely helpful for when I'm not in therapy quite as much and need to do more of my own workouts, like resuming my gym membership at home. Not everything we do in therapy is something I can do on my own and some of the equipment we use isn't in most gyms. I'm really looking forward to it. I want to be the best version of myself that I can be and take care of my body as well as I can. One thing I've learned is that not everything is in our control, so we need to do what we can and control what we're actually able to, like take as much care of your body as you can. So not only am I trying to have the best diet and give myself the best nutrients, but I also want to be as strong as I can be. I'm interested in seeing what the appointment will entail. I know I've got my work cut out for me, but I'm willing to do whatever it takes to be as healthy as I can be. I'm determined to change things. This isn't how my story ends.