Virginia, here I come!

The day I've been looking forward to for SO long is FINALLY here! I actually downloaded a countdown app and it started at 140 days. Looking at it now and seeing 15 hours left is unreal to me. I'm sitting in my apartment alone tonight (finishing the rest of the wine in my fridge) and reflecting on the past year.

I moved back to Philadelphia to finish my last semester of classes and my last year of clinic (this includes finishing my third year clinic sessions and my first rotation as a fourth year- my last and final year of school). My classmates and friends have all graduated and I came back to this busy city not only by myself, but now with a wheelchair. Needless to say, so much has changed. I've had a lot of adjusting to do and there have been a lot of rough times over the past 12 months. There were days that I didn't think I wanted to get out of bed the next day because I literally didn't think I had enough energy.

Now that I've made it past all of those obstacles, it feels like no big deal. It wasn't until in this moment that I'm realizing how strong I've been (and I'm feeling pretty proud of myself). I not only finished my required school time in Philly, but I've done it on my own (I say that a little loosely because my family and Dusty have made sure to visit every couple of weeks and I've formed great relationships with my apartment front desk staff and maintenance men). But still, I did it.

I'm thinking about how many snowstorms and rain showers I've wheeled through. The car break in that I overcame. The several fire alarms in my apartment building. Not to mention all the challenges I've faced in clinic and with patients. As difficult as it's been, I think I needed this year to build my confidence again. Instead of just listening to people tell me how inspiring and strong I am, I can look back on this year and agree with them. (I AM STRONG. Look what I did!)

I still have three more 3 month rotations and two more parts of boards before graduating in May, but I get to do all of that from home. With Dusty. With my family. With my support system. This is the excitement I was feeling as my time in Philly was coming to an end right before I got sick in August 2015. I felt like I had been waiting for January 2016 for so long and then it was all taken away from me in a matter of days. I think for that reason, it almost felt like tomorrow's move out day was never really going to happen. I had that countdown and everything, but it still didn't feel real. Well, it's feeling real now!

I'm sure I could sit here and type for hours, but I just wanted to update everyone that the day is finally here! I have my very last clinic session at The Eye Institute at school tomorrow morning and I should be home by dinner (with the help of my parents and Dusty, who will be packing up the UHaul while I'm at clinic tomorrow). It's going to be hard to say goodbye to my friends at clinic and the professors and staff I've gotten so close to, but I think everyone can agree that there is nothing like being home.

The “bounce back gene” is still operational in 2018

As a new year begins, I think we all reflect on our past year and go over our hopes for change in the upcoming year. The obvious ones that are always on my list revolve around my diet and weight loss, but more recently it involves goals in my recovery. Regardless of what our resolutions are, we all mark January 1st as a new beginning. A fresh start, ready for something better.

Well, as many have heard, my “fresh start” isn’t looking so bright. I’ve basically been sick since New Years, which has really affected my energy and thus my workout plans. I’ve been studying nonstop for my upcoming boards in March, which has stressed me out like I can’t even explain (and it’s only going to worse leading up to test day!)

My friend, Caitlin, and her husband, Mike, were in town from Massachusetts last Friday, so I rearranged my week in order to go to lunch with them as a much deserved study break. They came to my apartment first in order to bring me coffee (Caitlin knows me so well) and to see where I live. We talked and caught up some while drinking our coffee, then decided that Caitlin would ride with me to lunch, so I could show her my hand controls and so that they could leave from lunch instead of driving all the way back to my apartment. When we got outside, it was pouring! Caitlin took my keys and said she would bring my car up to the front of the building for me.

I realized I had forgotten about the pedal guard I keep over my brake/gas and called her, thinking this must be why she was taking so long to move the car. When I called, she said she was busy “cleaning up ranch dressing off the driver’s seat.” Now, I like ranch a lot, but why on earth was there ranch on my car seat?! I don’t eat in my car and I knew I definitely didn’t have anything in the car the day before. I joked and said “that’s not mine, has someone been in my car?!”

I decided to meet her at the car (which was in the second handicapped spot at the very front of the building) instead of explain to her how to get the pedal off or how to use the hand controls. There were a bunch of napkins on the floor next to my car and as I started to get into the front seat, Mike pointed out the broken back window. Someone HAD been in my car!!! The ranch dressing must’ve came from the center console, whose contents had been flung all over the front of the vehicle. But it got worse…. my smartdrive (attachable motor) was missing from under the seat. I remembered getting home from clinic the night before in the rain and putting it under the seat because I was too worried about going through the puddles with it….and it is too heavy to place on my lap. I remember actually debating leaving it and I’m still beating myself up for being so dumb.

We went back into the building to tell the front desk (through my tears at this point) and I called my mom. I believe you’re never too old to call your parents and ask for help and if I hadn’t have had her to tell me what to do, I can’t even imagine the state I would’ve been in. My mom calmed me down and walked me through what to do next, taking pictures, calling the police, and washing my face. She took care of looking up the insurances and filing a claim while I waited SEVEN hours for the police to get there and give me a case number. It was the longest day and needless to say, I didn’t get any studying done, which just raised my stress level. Fortunately, I had Caitlin and Mike for support and I wasn’t on my way to clinic or something. Caitlin oped a bottle of wine with me and Mike went and got us lunch…I was so incredibly thankful to not be alone.

The cops couldn’t really do anything and the cameras on the building didn’t catch much. They couldn’t lift prints off my car because of the rain. So that’s that. The thieves took one of my major sources of independence and they don’t have the wrist band that makes it work or a charger, so it is completely useless to them. They really don’t gain anything, I just lose in this situation.

I had a boards prep course on campus all weekend and the window company actually met me at school during my lunch break on Saturday, so it was fixed right away. I had to pay out of pocket for the window to be fixed and then I’ll have to submit it to insurance. I’ll also have to pay the deductible for my smartdrive. My mom had the best idea of asking the rep to look into getting me a loaner until my new one arrives. These things take forever, so I hope they are able to pull that off.

There’s just so much I haven’t be able to do because of the lack of motor. I don’t think I realized how much I relied on it. I can’t park at the back of my parking lot because I can’t make it up the hill to the front of the building, especially with all my stuff from clinic. I’m having a harder time at clinic because my standing wheelchair is much heavier. I have a bracket on the back, where I would attach the motor and make it easier to get around, especially when carrying my equipment. I’ve been a lot more exhausted because of this and I’ve had to ask for help way more than I ever have.

The good things that have come from this:

• my friends and family have showed such concern and have made sure I know that they’re there for support
• the staff at my apartment building have been so amazing- someone helps me get in my car in the morning and someone else meets me in the evening to help me get in since I can’t park at the back of the lot and sometimes have to park in a non-accessible space without enough room to load or unload my chair.
• My actual car wasn’t stolen… which I’m pretty sure was the main goal. Thank God for the pedal cover and hand controls throwing the thieves off!
• I was reminded again at how much my mom does for me

I continue to beat myself up about this, wondering what I could have done differently. I just feel so violated and now I’m nervous every time I go out to the parking lot. I feel sick when I think about how much everything costs. Having to deal with all of this is not something I want to do, nor something I have time to do. My mom has had to remind me that it’s just “things” and that it isn’t the end of the world…”don’t let the bad guys win.”

So, just say a prayer that this gets taken care of, that I can get a replacement motor in a timely fashion, and that karma is coming for whoever broke into my car…