June 28

That was from one of my daily devotionals. It goes along well with what I was saying on Sunday. I like this constant reminder...I don't look at it as just "not giving up," but rather, "keep going." I've already said that I'm not a quitter and I'd never give up. What point would that make? Then what? See, there's no good reasoning behind that. 

Speaking of working hard, that's exactly what I've been doing this week!! I walked for 52 minutes straight in the pool with Beth- a record she's hoping no one will ever beat. I got to try a new machine from restorative therapies, the company that makes the stim bikes. It was a pretty cool piece of equipment. I was standing and in a harness, then walked like on a treadmill. The main difference was that it was all stim- on my calves, quads, hamstrings, glutes, back. The benefit of that machine is that you're in the standing and walking position with the stim and supporting your own weight via muscle contractions from the stim. The set up takes a little while, but I felt like it was worth it. I'm hoping I'll be able to do that at least once a week...the walking just felt more natural than the GEO and Thera stride. 

Vicki totally kicked my butt in our session this week. We did circuit intervals and I barely made it through! Her goal was to exhaust me and finally get me feeling a little sore the next day and, let me just say, she succeeded. Everyone has tried to tire me out before, but haven't, so she felt pretty accomplished, haha. 

June 27

It's almost July, which means it's almost my birthday month. James' birthday is the 3rd and mine isn't until the 30th, so I always say that he gets the first three days and then the rest is my month, haha. I'd like to say that I don't really care about birthdays, and in part, I don't. I never really do anything special for it, I just like to constantly remind Dusty when it's approaching. It's not like I really want anyone to do anything for me...I just look at it as a reason to celebrate. That being said, I'll be 25 in a little over a month. I know it isn't really a big deal, but it is a quarter century. And 25 sounds like a good number to celebrate. It's a milestone. A memorable number. It makes me emotional to think about though. I thought 25 would look a lot different than this. Heck, I thought 24 would look a lot different than this. I feel like time is flying by, yet going so slow. It's crazy to think that I got sick a little less than a year ago when it feels like just last weekend, Dusty and I were up and down the road going to several summer weddings and other little trips here and there. But then when I think about the date and everything we've all been through, it feels like it's been forever, like certain things shouldn't take this long. I should be back to 100% already in my mind. The doctors said I should get everything back and that it might take a year, which at the time seemed absurd. I always achieve my goals in a timely fashion or faster than expected, so I didn't think this would be any different. I'm not used to being this wrong! Now it's almost been a year and I feel like I'm only halfway through my recovery, if even.  I know I'm making gains all the time, but I'm also reminded of how far I still have to go. I know I'm not supposed to think like that. My friend Molly told me to remember how less than a year ago, I was breaths away from dying. Dying. It sounds so dramatic and I still can't wrap my head around it. It's almost like since I don't really remember it, then it's not as bad as everyone says. I feel like it'd be so easy to motivate people and have them put things into perspective if I was on the other side of things. But I'm not. I'm on the crappy side. The side that needs the constant reminders and motivation. 

Tonight, I found some motivation in an acquaintance...not really a friend or even anyone I know very well. She sent me a message saying how she sells LuLaRoe clothing and how the company encourages giving back...some consultants do this in the form of giving away something free now and then, but she wanted to make a difference. And how amazing is it that she wanted to make a difference for me? We're going to be in contact about promoting an event, but it'll likely be in August. And she wants to spread the word to that community and try to get even more help from other consultants. It was such a nice gesture. She reminded me of how many people are rooting for me and gave me some words of encouragement. It meant a lot. Just to know people are thinking about you and cheering you on from afar, even when it's someone you hardly know or believed wouldn't think twice about you is touching. I think I needed to be reminded of that tonight. 

June 26

This morning's sermon really hit home...Pastor John was talking about perseverance and what would've happened to the world if Jesus had given up in tough times and not endured the hardships God called him to do. He was saying how common and easy it is to quit or give up. Boy, do I know that. I was just telling Dusty last night that although I'm not a quitter, I probably would've came close to wanting to give up if I didn't have him by my side. I told him that some days I just don't feel as strong as everyone thinks I am..as strong as God thinks I am. 

Matthew 26:53 shows that Jesus could've called on God and ended everything. Ended the pain and the suffering at any moment. But he didn't. 

We are where we are today because of the choices we made yesterday and we'll be where we are tomorrow because of the choices we make today. So much is out of my control, but if I continue to persevere and remain determined, the outcome is going to be better. 

Pastor John brought up the movie Passion of Christ and how when Jesus was being beaten, he fell to the ground and how watching that, he hoped he'd just stay down. The blows wouldn't be as bad if he just stayed there. But he didn't, he got back up. There was more pain to endure on his way to the finish line. 

2 Corinthians- finish the work. Don't just hope to do something, but execute it. 

That should be my motivation. I'm not just going to hope to get better, I need to do something about it. I'm glad that's my personality already. Things don't get better just because I want them to, I have to do something about it and that's exactly what I'm doing. That's why I've picked up extra therapy, started meeting with a nutritionist and personal trainer, and go to the wellness gym during my free time. I just wish I was seeing my efforts pay off faster. One step at a time though, literally. 

June 23

Wednesday's are my catch up days- usually filled with appointments. I had another personal training session with Vickie and she really worked me for the whole hour. Her goal is to get me to do a pull up on my own, which makes me laugh because I've never been able to do that...not even in elementary school when that was one of the fitness tests in gym class. She told me that she wanted me to try a pull up and I had an automatic image of those insanely strong athletes that compete and do all these outrageous things from their wheelchair. I by no means got anywhere close to that, but I did get a little lift...my butt actually left the chair, haha. It's a work in progress I guess...gotta start somewhere! 

Thursday was a great way to end the week of therapy! The pool went great and I was able to stand without arm support...not for long, but I'm working on my balance. I think it'll get better the stronger my core gets. Although, Vickie said I'm actually pretty strong already. Then, the Thera-stride went better than normal. Dennis said he's not sure what it was, but it just went better than it has. (Don't know what that means, but I'll take it!) Then we did some walking over ground and Dee was on my hips, which she hasn't done in awhile. She was so impressed with the difference! At one point, she backed off and was standing next to me to prove she wasn't helping much haha. And Dennis said that he wasn't really helping bring my legs forward when we walked, he was mostly just unweighting my foot. Like I have enough control to bring my leg forward, but not enough strength to lift my whole leg up. So, overall, it was a pretty good week...and I still can't get over how Kim said Dennis should do a reassessment weekly. I'm glad changes are finally being seen so fast in my legs (although, I'll admit that it still isn't as fast as I wish!)

June 21

It's already been a great week and it's only Wednesday...

The pool went so well! I was kind of upset I wasn't with Rachel (although, thinking back to last week and how she made me "swim" against the jets, making me feel like a drowning dog trying to doggy paddle, reminds me that maybe I'm not that sad haha), but I was with Kim and she was so excited for me. She blocked my knees and I stood...on my own! Eric wasn't even pushing my hips forward! Kim was like yelling in excitement! She said she could feel so much muscle activation in my legs and that the session went even better than last week. She even said she wished Dennis could reevaluate me weekly instead of monthly. I thought that'd never happen...I mean, my arms started to come back so fast and I was constantly achieving each goal I met. My therapists would set a goal for the week and I'd reach it the next day...or they'd give me adaptive equipment and I wouldn't need it by the time they figured out how to set it up for me. Reflecting on how fast all of that came made me frustrated that my legs weren't doing anything. And I was tired of hearing everyone say how well I was doing and how fast my recovery is going when it definitely didn't feel like that to me. All the time, I meet people at therapy that ask when I got sick and are shocked when I say September of 2015 because of how far I've come...everyone assumes it's been two or three years, not shy of just one. But a whole year seems like an eternity if you ask me! Anyways, I really am seeing constant changes and strength in my legs and this is what I've been waiting for. Kim said it isn't just about neural stimulation anymore and letting everyone "walk" me...it's now about seeing how much I can do and actually learning how to walk again. 

Mom and I went to dinner with Howard and Patrick. We had so much to talk about and it's nice when there's so much similarity in what we're going through. Howard knew exactly when I meant when I told him how Kim said I'm at the point where I need to "learn how to walk." He's been there- and not very long ago. He's the one that said it all started with a toe wiggle, then I got my toe wiggle that night. He can get up and walk- not far, but it's coming along. He's just struggling with some of the core strength, so he told me to keep working on that. It's so good to finally be able to have the opportunity to talk and get to know some of these people outside the 10minutes we get before the start of therapy. 

June 20

I knew June 20 was a good day because it's my grandparent's anniversary (they would've been married 63 years!)

I still miss him every single day, but at least it's good to know I have an angel watching over me.

Big things are happening. I feel like I'm finally gaining enough strength that my legs are starting to come along like my arms did. Instead of seeing changes weekly or even longer than that, I'm seeing differences on a daily basis. 

The walking in the pool went really well. Beth did say that I was using my core a lot, so I need to try to focus more on the bending and straightening of my knees, plus the activation of my glutes and hip flexors. That being said, she was still impressed and thought it went even better than last week.

Much to my dismay, Mom told Dennis she wanted me to be able to get from the ground back into my chair...or be able to tell someone how to help with that. My simple solution is to never get on the ground, but that wasn't a good enough answer haha. So we worked on transfer stuff. My triceps have never been very strong, so when Dennis said he wanted me to sit in front of this bench and try to push up with my arms, getting my butt up onto the bench, I kind of laughed. At first, I was barely getting any lift. I mean, it was pathetic. After practicing the technique, I was getting good clearance, but going backwards, up onto the bench was the hard part. I guess it's one of the hardest skills, and the therapists were actually impressed with how well I did for my first time. Now if I can just master that, we'll move to the next biggest bench and eventually the chair...but I'm thinking I need to work on my tricep strength first. 

For the second half of therapy, we did some walking over ground in the harness. It really does get better each time. I'm still keeping that left leg straight and today, Dennis said he felt more from my right leg than on Thursday. Also, he said I was almost bringing that right leg all the way through with each step. AND I had more hamstring activation than usual. 

Fundraising is coming along...I'm so thankful for everyone that has jumped at the opportunity to help piece together a few events. Maureen finalized the paintnite details and unfortunately, there's a limited number of tickets and I don't have any control over who gets them...it's just first come, first serve. I'm really hoping that so many people want to do it and either don't get a ticket or can't do it on July 13, so we have to set up another. Here's the link: 

https://paintnite.com/events/1094189.html

We also have some people trying to plan a run/walk event. It might not be until September, so the details are still coming together. The other event will hopefully be a cornhole tournament of some kind at the vineyard. I'd love to raise enough money for the bike, which is upwards of $15,000, and cover some of the medical a bills, like from UVA, Winchester, and Philadelphia..and now Baltimore. Especially since all the money is now coming from my parent's retirement fund...we joke that they're retiring and going to KKI. We also have expenses like housing and gas money from going back and forth to Baltimore, so really anything would help. I'll post updates on the events as we figure them out. 

July 16

What an amazing day! Like I've said, we live in a split foyer, so when Mom and I are home on Fridays, we have to leave the house when Dad does since it takes two people to get down the stairs. Unfortunately, this results in an increase in our grocery list (but it ends up saving us money when we don't have to buy food during the week in Baltimore!) anyways, we ran into Maureen in Target and got some of the details about paintnite worked out...she's been trying to plan paintnite for me as a fundraiser and I finally picked a picture: 

I posted on Facebook how I chose this picture and for everyone to save the date- July 13!!- and that more details were to follow. I said "Save the date! A friend is organizing a paintnite at the Green Turtle in Winchester on July 13 as a fundraising event for me. I got to pick the picture and I chose this one because life has its ups and downs, but just like a swing, it's more about the ride. It reminded me of the journey I'm on right now and I'm hoping others will come out and give me a 'push' towards my goals. We need 35 people to sign up! More info to come!" People went crazy!!! I needed 35 people for the event and I far exceeded that within 15 minutes!! It was incredible!! I'm hoping that I have so many people interested that I need to put together at least two events. 

Dusty and I hadn't spent much time together over the past week, so we made dinner reservations at The Butcher Station. Mom and I ended up being at a local vineyard for hours, making new friends and getting the VIP treatment. (Dusty didn't mind me being late because I told him that he could sit at the bar and have a few beers before I got there.) I showed up 30 minutes late for our reservation, which is so not like me, but it was such a great night. Jimmy, the cook, made me paella- which was my favorite food when I was in Spain! He made two orders for Dusty and I (and other customers were so jealous!) it was so incredible and I can't wait to go back! (And he gave me homemade ranch to take home with me since it's my favorite!!)

But seriously...it was the first time in awhile that I actually felt like myself...so often, I find myself being timid and quiet (which has never been my personality). But today, talking to people at the vineyard and talking to other customers at dinner, was like me again. Making conversation with strangers and not worrying about how they were viewing me...it was refreshing. And I didn't even think twice about it.

To top off such a great day, we were offered housing for next week. There aren't many openings for the week, so we thought we'd have to travel back and forth each day. Our friends offered their house, but it's not really handicap accessible since there are stairs. We thought that much be our best bet, but Sally and her husband, Brian, offered their Hilton points and to buy us a hotel room...it made us cry. It's so hard to be mad and frustrated at the current circumstances when we are constantly reminded of how many wonderful people we have in our lives and how blessed we are. At the end of the day, we are truly left speechless. 

June 14

My friend, Kristen, shared this quote: 

"When we have "I don't know why" situations in life, we have to make the hard choice to settle our mind with what we do know. Otherwise, the "I don't know why's" will sweep us away into treacherous currents of doubt.

So, I grab hold of what I do know.

I do know that my God is a God of protection. His love for me and you is so consuming, He can only have my best interest in mind.

I do know that my God is a God of provision. God's plans for me are good even when they don't align with mine. He will provide but probably not in the way I would expect.

I do know that my God is a God of process. God's process to develop my character to match my calling might include me having to learn to let go of something I treasure or my hopes and dreams to replace them with His. 

So, that's where I park my mind, my emotions, and my trust. It's a place I can wad up my run away emotions and hand them over to my perfectly capable and all-knowing God :)."

Isn't that amazing? Life is so full of uncertainty that all we can really cling to is what we do know. I know God has my best interest in mind and His plans are far better than mine. My whole life, I've been a planner and always knew what the next step was. Always had a game plan. It took something so earth shattering to snap me out of that and remember that it isn't about my plans and what I want. He's shaping me into the person I'm meant to be. It's a sucky process, I'll admit it. But imagine the compassion I'll be able to offer my patients and others in the future. I mean, I thought I was able to empathize with people a year ago, but now? There's no comparison. 

I had a meeting with Dr. Sobelman this morning and he asked how I was. I said good..and actually meant it. But he asked me why- what was good? I listed like four different things, including finally getting my letter off to school. I said how happy I was about that because I feel like my whole life I've been known as the smart girl that wanted to be an eye doctor. Not just because I'm smart and knew what I wanted to do, but because I've worked my butt off. I hate that since I got sick, people see me more for my illness or my wheelchair. Like I mentioned before, I feel like people think that since I'm physically on a different level, I might also be mentally on a different level and that isn't true at all. That's why I'm so looking forward to working something out with school and being "looked up to" and respected like that again. 

I didn't have any scheduled therapy today, but it was a busy day. We had a cookout at the house we're staying at. So many people are here from out of town (like way out of town- Alaska, Alabama, Ohio, etc) and they haven't been home in months. Something as simple as a burger on the grill can bring so much happiness. There's a woman here, Stacie, from Alabama who adopted a girl from China, Jin. She's 11, but had polio when she was a baby. She was also left laying in a crib at an orphanage for years with her legs in such a position that it disfigured her hip. They've been here for a few months already because Jin has had to undergo both knee and hip surgery and she stood on her feet for the first time this week. (And we had them look into KKI, so she has an evaluation coming up there!) Jin is so upset she isn't home with her friends for the summer and all she wanted was a grilled hotdog, so that's how we decided to have a cookout. It was good food, but even better company because everyone got a chance to get together and talk in one place. This place has become our home and these people are becoming like our family. 

I had my personal training appointment with Vickie this afternoon and loved it! She was a trainer for the 76ers and while she loved being able to work with such a big organization, she didn't feel like she was making enough of an impact. We went over some of my goals and took various measurements so we could track my progress. We then did a short workout that included a lot of sit-ups and ab exercises and some boxing. I told her that during my assessment on Thursday, I wasn't able to lay on my back and sit-up without using my arms. She thought I could do it and made me hold a 6lb medicine ball to help. It was actually fairly easy with the ball, so she had me go down to a 2lb one...and I could still do it! It's funny how I'm constantly surprising even myself with what I'm able to do...and things are constantly changing. I'm discovering different abilities on a weekly (and sometimes even daily!!) basis.

Speaking of new abilities....I discovered today that I can kick my left leg! It's easier if it's unweighted and kind of dangling, like from my chair or off the edge of the bed. And it fatigues out, but I can do it! What's funny is that by the end of the day, I was even able to do it with my right leg a little bit. It's crazy how fast things like that are changing. I can't wait to show Dennis tomorrow! He was excited about the reassessment last week and this is way bigger than the movement I showed then! 

June 13

I'm It was a beautiful and relaxing weekend- besides not seeing Dusty. Funny story though...he's been talking about wanting to white water raft since we started dating over three years ago. Him and a bunch of friends had gone and had so much fun before that it's all he's wanted to do- organize another trip like that. He finally got some people to agree to going and they booked the trip (in the middle of nowhere West Virginia). It was hot and sunny and although Dusty listened to me and put some sunblock on, he forgot to bring it with him to reapply once on the water. He ended up falling out of the raft and busting his knee on a rock. The employees told him he probably needed stitches, but he was convinced they only said that so they wouldn't be held responsible. In true Dusty fashion, he claimed it would be fine because there was no way he was driving hours away to seek medical help. One of the friends with him was a firefighter, so of course they thought they had the situation under control. They decided to pour vodka on the gash, put butterfly bandages over it, then wrap duct tape around his leg. Trust me, this was actually a better plan than the other option- to burn the skin shut and cauterize it. (Thankfully I talked them out of that!) 

My uncle was visiting from Australia and I hadn't seen him since he visited me at Magee...before Thanksgiving! He was visiting the states on business and was in town for a week and I remember that I couldn't even talk the first time he visited and by the second time, I had finally found my voice...but this is nothing compared to the changes I'm sure he saw during this visit. 

I had the pool at 8:30 Monday morning, so we headed to Baltimore late Sunday evening. The pool session went really well. I was with Beth, who I've never worked with before. We did a lot of walking with her at my knees and Eric at my hips. She kept asking him how much work he was doing, thinking he was doing more than just helping keep me steady at my hips, but that's really all he was doing, so she was pretty impressed. 

For PT, I did some over ground walking with me in the harness, someone at my hips, Dennis at my legs and me holding a walker...it's quite a process, haha. But Dennis said it was the most quad activation I've ever had. I was even able to keep my left leg straight all on my own. We then tried the same thing but loosened the harness, so it was like walking without body weight support. We did it for a few steps and Dennis was happy, but it was SO hard. I was a little upset about it later just because I know how hard it's going to be to get back to walking...I need so much more strength and I know it's going to take a long time. But Dusty gave me a pep talk and I've already overcome so much...everything I've done was difficult the first time and like I used to remind myself at Magee- the first time you do something is always the hardest...it only gets easier. 

June 11

I went through a couple of my things from my house in Philly- our garage is full of all my stuff from when my family moved me out of my house, so anytime I get a chance, I try to look at a few things or open a couple boxes. I can't do it for too long because my mind starts to wander and I get a little emotional, thinking about how I'm never going back to that house I loved so much and probably not going to live with my great roommates again. That chapter has closed and sometimes it's hard to accept. But anyways, I had a bunch of little quotes all over my room- in my desk, on my walls, etc. and I found one today that's from the show One Tree Hill and it says "you can choose to blame your circumstances on fate or bad luck or bad choices, or you can fight back." There are days that I just want to blame other things- anything to point a finger at, but like Dusty always tells me, this isn't how things are going to be. It only gets better from here and there's really nothing standing in the way of everything we want. Yeah, things are going to be harder and this definitely isn't how we planned things, but it's getting better. I don't know if I'm as strong as everyone thinks I am, but maybe I am stronger than I think. 

This isn't how my story ends. I didn't think I could possibly do much more than I already am. The main thing my body needs is just time, but I'm going to add in school (hopefully- once they receive my letter and we work something out) and I'm actually going to start meeting with a personal trainer at KKI this Wednesday. It'll probably only be about once a week, but she said we can work on whatever I want. Her boyfriend is a general manager at a Golds gym, so she even takes clients over there to use the equipment in a typical gym. I think this will be extremely helpful for when I'm not in therapy quite as much and need to do more of my own workouts, like resuming my gym membership at home. Not everything we do in therapy is something I can do on my own and some of the equipment we use isn't in most gyms. I'm really looking forward to it. I want to be the best version of myself that I can be and take care of my body as well as I can. One thing I've learned is that not everything is in our control, so we need to do what we can and control what we're actually able to, like take as much care of your body as you can. So not only am I trying to have the best diet and give myself the best nutrients, but I also want to be as strong as I can be. I'm interested in seeing what the appointment will entail. I know I've got my work cut out for me, but I'm willing to do whatever it takes to be as healthy as I can be. I'm determined to change things. This isn't how my story ends. 

June 10

You know that saying "you were given this life because you're strong enough to handle it"? Well, it sucks. Ever find yourself asking God "how strong do you really think I am?" Or "what else? Do you really think I can handle anything else?" I try to push those thoughts aside, but sometimes it's just too hard. Today is one of those days. It just feels like things keep stacking up on top of the pile. 

All this stuff with the insurance has been ridiculous. We thought the wheelchair was covered, or at least in network...it's the whole reason we went with the company we did. Mom even asked the vendor directly if the change in insurance was going to be a problem and he said no. Well, either they filed it incorrectly or the vendor was horribly wrong because we got a bill for over $5,000 saying insurance wasn't covering anything since it was out of network. The transfer board Dennis tried to order me so that I can transfer myself more independently (at least around the house) is more than likely another thing not covered. And, my parents just had to transfer a ton of money out of their retirement fund in order to pay the bills and pay for the bike. We're hoping that if we go ahead and pay for the bike now, they can start processing it and trying to get it in the house, and then maybe we can raise the money for it. Oh, but like that's not enough to deal with, today Mom went to the grocery store and had left her wallet on top of the car. She realized it right away and back tracked, but it was already nowhere to be found. All her credit cards, her license, and even cash someone had just given us- all gone. She turned right around and started looking, so I feel like she would've found it. My only thought is that someone picked it up, but that would mean that they didn't return it. At this point, we wouldn't even care if someone took the money, but going through and cancelling every single card and having to get a new license is such a pain. It's a shame...id hope that whoever found it would be a good enough person to return it. I guess we'll just keep our fingers crossed for now. Maybe it'll turn up soon. 

June 9

I had a urology appointment on Wednesday...Dr. Recio wanted me to see this doctor because, like with everything else, the bladder can have spasms as things start returning during the recovery process. The doctor was great- really knowledgeable in terms of urology, but also in patients with spinal cord injuries. He was also very hopeful and impressed that I didn't have to cath, which is typical in SCI patients (and he said that since I don't have to do it now, then I won't ever have to...he's never had a patient take steps backwards...as in, I don't have to now, so I'm not going to wake up next week and all the sudden need to). He took me off the medicine I've been on..I was mainly on this one because the doctors at Magee were using it off label for the sweating, but it's also an antispasmodic. He said that medicine is pretty old, so he gave me samples of a newer one he wants me to start taking instead. I'm pretty happy though, that's the only prescription medication I'm on besides my thyroid med. I take a ton of pills, but it's mostly vitamins. If I have to take meds, I'm glad it's not as many as I used to take and that they're just vitamins. 

What's funny is that Sam's husband is a drug rep and his main drug is the one I was just put on.. Crazy how things work sometimes. We've been talking about dusty and I going to Annapolis for Fourth of July and spending the long weekend with Sam and Brandon. She said there's a lot we can do that is fully accessible and it'd be nice to be with another couple that understands what we're going through. 

I had another reassessment. They usually take about 30-40 minutes, but this one took like an hour and 45 minutes. Everything improved...my reach, abdominal control, etc. Dennis could feel the hip and glutes and for the first time, he could feel the planar flexion in each ankle (downward motion, like pressing on a gas pedal). This meant that instead of a 0 for that category, I at least got a 1- something is better than nothing, right? But what took so long was that the knee flexion and extension I've had in the pool was finally seen on land. Dennis had me do it from all different positions to make sure I wasn't compensating by using my hips or abs and he wanted to make sure I had control of it and that it wasn't a spasm. He even high fived me (and he usually doesn't get overly excited about things). He wants me to use my personal stim unit and keep trying to kick my legs out- hopefully I'll just get stronger and it'll become an even bigger motion. Dusty told me he had a good feeling about this week! Also, Dusty's sister, Kasey, messaged me the other day to tell me she had a dream that we were in DC and I was walking all over the place...I feel like every time someone has a dream like this, something good happens. I can't wait to make all those dreams come true. 

June 7

I love Tuesday afternoons because for a brief 15-20 minutes before therapy, I get to talk to some of the other patients before our 2:00 sessions start. We aren't all there on the same days or at the same times during the week except for Tuesday's. It's me, Howard and Steve...Sam used to be part of this group, but she's taking a break from therapy for the first time in a year and for the first time since she had the spinal tumor removed. Steve is an older man...maybe in his 60s...with a high cervical injury from falling down his basement steps. He's a lawyer and a pretty well known man in Annapolis (he's actually the patient that threw that huge fundraiser for the Esko skeleton last month). He went to Magee after his injury, so we had a lot to talk about when we first met. Howard is also probably in his 60s and I love conversations with him because he used to be a lobbyist for the AOA (American Optometric Association). Steve always has different friends or family members bring him, but Howard is always there with his husband, Patrick. They've been together for 37 years! It's crazy to listen to some of these stories...we're all so different, yet have so much to talk about with so many similar experiences. 

Today, the conversation steered towards therapy and what we've all been doing. This was actually a little unusual because we usually just talk away about life and almost forget we're all there because of some kind of spinal cord injury. (Howard had back surgery and ended up septic with an infection in his blood, which paralyzed him). Both men use the Edko skeleton and are able to walk a little bit (men are lucky not to have wide hips, which is the reason I haven't used that equipment yet! Im only half an inch away!) but Steve doesn't have much arm or hand control and Howard said he's been struggling with the walking because his core isn't very strong. We joked that if we could just combine all our strengths, we'd be all set! I told Dennis about that conversation and he said he'd been working on my core on purpose- you need that strength first and he's been doing things right...I'm doing it in the right order (although frustrating). He even said he'd talked to Howard's therapist who said his legs started coming back so fast that they didn't spend much time on his core and she regretted it because now he's struggling a little. Dennis said he's doing things correctly with me and it made me feel a little better. It's so frustrating because all I want to do is focus on my legs and getting back to walking, but it makes sense that you have to do things in the right order. Babies don't just start walking, they sit up, then crawl, then stand, etc. It's all important. That conversation made me feel a little better and just reminded me how important patience is. 

June 6

My therapy has been extended through the beginning of August. The plan right now is to keep doing what we've been doing (and add an extra day of pool therapy so it's three days a week with both an hour in the pool and two hours of PT). If August comes and things are still pretty steady, then I might benefit from taking a few months off from therapy. It would give regeneration a chance to occur and me a chance to get back to a more regular routine. However, if August comes and I'm making significant improvement, then I would benefit more from continuing therapy. I guess only time will tell. 

Speaking of a regular routine...I finally got my letter finalized for returning back to school and will get it in the mail this morning. I'm hoping that'll spark a conversation about how to modify the program to best fit my schedule. Clinic is going to be a challenge, but one semester of course work? I just want to get it done! I need to. I need to stimulate my brain and get back to challenging myself mentally. It's part of who I am and I need to feel like that again. I feel like because I'm in a wheelchair and physically on a different level, many people are assuming I'm also mentally challenged or need to be talked to like I'm delicate or incapable of thinking for myself. I'm still the same person, and trust me, after all those cognitive tests the speech therapists made me go through, we would've discovered if anything was wrong with my brain! When I'm talked to like I'm incapable of making my own decisions, it just bring me down- more than I already am, and I don't need anymore help with that. It's already a daily battle to stay as positive as I can and to keep that spark of hope alive. 

My grandparents visited from Florida this weekend, which was exciting because they haven't seen me since I was still at Magee- I'm sure a lot has changed! Of course, this called for photographs:

Dusty said he has a good feeling about this week and I hope he's right...I have a doctors appointment Wednesday and I think I should have a reassessment at some point this week. Fingers crossed for big changes...