Everyone comments on how great my attitude and positivity has been these last few months...it's not really something I have to work for, it just makes sense. The only way to make this situation even more miserable would be to focus only on the negative aspects. That being said, today was a hard day. I was having a major pity party (it was more than just a dip in the pity pool and I definitely would've shriveled up.) I always get emotional when I have to pack up and head back to Philly. I'm excited to continue getting stronger, but I just want to be better and be home. I'm feeling very tired of being sick...like Dusty said when I had the stomach bug, I "just can't catch a break." This way of thinking is very unlike me, but I've been praying about it and know that it's normal to have these moments, I just need to wake up tomorrow feeling determined and cheerful again.
Dad and I listened to Sirius xm radio- "the message" Christian station the whole way to Philly this evening and the songs were so perfect. One of my favorite Casting Crowns songs came on and these lyrics really stood out:
"Every tear I cry, you hold in your hand. You've never left my side, and though my heart is torn, I will praise you in this storm"
Although I feel broken at times, God is still by my side and I'll still praise Him. He's still blessing me during this storm. I've turned a lot to music recently..I've found comfort in the lyrics of many Christian songs, especially Casting Crowns "just be held." And more than a couple people have told me that Rachel Platten's "fight song" is my song. I was looking online for more of Rachel Platten's songs today and found one called "Stand by you." Naturally, it made me think of Dusty.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-urmcz2RSwI
He's constantly saying how "we" can make it through and that I'm not alone. The song says "even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through hell with you." One day we'll find heaven, but it has definitely felt like we've been through hell. It also says "if your wings are broken, borrow mine til yours can open." It reminds me of how many times he's said he wished he could go through this for me. I wouldn't want that for anyone, especially him, but at least I know I'm not alone. It sounds cheesy, but it's like until my legs are working again, he's carrying me through. God is consistently by my side, Dusty keeps reminding me that he'll never leave me, and my family has shown me nothing but unconditional love.
This has been quite a wild ride so far, but I pray that I'll wake up tomorrow morning refreshed and focused on all my blessings. I know I'm being "transformed" and although I don't like God's pace right now, I know the ending is going to be greater than I can imagine.
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