January 29

Friday night was the "Eye Ball." That's the name we gave our third year party. It was the last "hoorah" before everyone left for rotations. I had a lot of mixed feelings about going...I'm upset that I'm not in school right now and that I still have a semester left and am not leaving for rotations...plus, a lot of us aren't seeing each other until graduation. It's happy and exciting and sad and a whole lot of other emotions. Dusty and I got ready- I curled my hair and actually wore makeup. Shannon shipped me the bridesmaid dress I was supposed to wear in her wedding back in October and I got to wear that- it was perfect because I don't know when I would've found time to get a dress. The party was only 15minutes from our hotel- at the aquarium in New Jersey, just over the bridge. It was really well done. We ate and danced with the sharks right there in the tanks around us! It was so great to see everyone and I felt so welcomed and loved. My friends took me onto the dance floor and kept me laughing the whole night. I thought they were kidding when they warned me I'd be like a celebrity when I arrived. They gave away superlative awards- like "most likely to be a millionaire," "most likely to work as a preceptor at the eye institute," "most likely to have the funkiest glasses..." My friends and I were voted "most likely to form a red hat society because they're basically already one." We were up front taking pictures with the certificate after our names were called when they announced "most inspirational" and gave it to me. I got a standing ovation and was truly honored and overwhelmed. So many of my teachers and classmates made time to come talk to me and tell me how I've inspired them and how great I looked or how far I've come. I was so glad I'd decided to go despite my initial hesitation.

January 28

Today was one of the most exhausting days I've had in awhile. Dusty and I got a later start this morning, so we felt rushed from the beginning. Fortunately, we made the shuttle on time (I'd like to think Herb wouldn't leave me, but I don't want to find out!) 

I've had extreme tightness/soreness in my neck and shoulders these past few days, making me more uncomfortable than usual. The good news is that when I'm sore or when things are more difficult, I'm even more determined. 

My PT session went really well this morning. I worked with a therapist I hadn't met before, which was good because she could give me fresh insight on my weaknesses and how I could improve my transfers and such. We did a lot of transfer work (mostly me doing them almost independently), balancing stuff, etc. I also did a lot of reaching and arm conditioning activities today. I didn't have the treadmill or stim bike and it doesn't sound as tiring, but I could barely move by the end of all of it. For the first time since I can remember, I took a little nap when I got back to the hotel (granted, it was only 20 minutes, but it was refreshing.) 

Dusty and I are going to spend the rest of the evening in because he has some school work to do. I'm looking forward to watching the cooking network and reading a book they gave us at church a couple weeks ago called "40 days of decrease." I'll let you know more what it's about once I start it.

I love this devotional...with the daily reminders of something as simple as reading "I am with you always." It was a hard day, but I started it by seeing those words. It's true, it's easy to accept that God is with us, but to live like it and carry that knowledge with you throughout the day may be difficult as we get swept up in the chaos. I like that- "the fact that I am with you makes every moment of your life meaningful." That puts even more emphasis on the phrase "living life to the fullest." I find that the more I trust and center my life around the promise that God is always with me results in the blessings it talks about, I just wish I could do it every day...trusting, especially when things aren't going according to your plan, is easier said than done. I kept working hard today because I knew/was reminded that God was with me and that I could handle it. I may not think that I can do everything my therapists throw my way...I actually find myself saying "I'm not sure..." When they ask me if I can do different things like raise both arms above my head while keeping balance or lean all the way over (conquering my fear of falling forward) to reach my toes. I try really hard not to say the words "I can't" and to always push my limits- like if they said to do 10 reps, I'll do 11. Or if they say to do some arm exercises without weights (like they did today) I'll add a little weight just to see if I can handle it. I wear a silver bracelet that has Philippians 4:13 written on it because I know I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, especially given all He's helped me get through recently. 

January 26

When Dad and I got to the hotel last night, many of the staff members welcomed me back, haha. Guess I'm considered a regular at the Sheraton now. Being a frequent guest apparently comes with a fridge in the hotel room, a free wifi password and a sweet woman with your coffee already poured when you get to the lobby in the morning.

I wasn't here yesterday because of the snow and I kept hearing from everyone how much they had missed me...I'm glad I was out of the funk I was in yesterday because it's evident that my positivity and smile everyone is always commenting on makes a difference in those that surround me...at least that's what Dusty, Steph, and Mom keep telling me. 

My OT, Cate, asked me if I had increased tone and spasticity in my legs. I was surprised she asked that and was wondering how she knew. (My legs are looking more and more normal and they've been jumping like crazy from spasms recently.) I told her yes and asked her why. She said she just felt like they looked different and assured me that was a good thing.

Therapies went well today- more quadraped, talk kneel, and standing frame. I played ping pong (which I'm awful at, but surprisingly wasn't as terrible as I remember). And for OT, I made my jalapeño peppers, stuffed with cream cheese, wrapped in bacon. They were a huge hit! So much so that everyone has requested I make them again Friday for a reunion party they're having. The funny part of that story is that I took them out of the oven, left to go do something, then came back and half the tray was already gone. I then went into the day room because we had a nutritionist visiting- and there I was, the girl feeding everyone bacon wrapped jalapeño poppers, haha. 

Dad and I explored the Comcast building when we got back this afternoon and then sat at my favorite coffee shop for a little while. I can't really push myself down the street because of all the snow and uneven sidewalks, so Dad has been helping push me a lot. We were struggling figuring out how to get to the other side of the road, since the curb cuts were either completely blocked by snow or hidden by a giant puddle, when two men offered to help us and literally picked me up in my chair and lifted me over the snow covered curb. Those weren't the first nice strangers we encountered on our outing either, people were rushing to hold doors open for us and ask if they could help us with anything. 

When we got back to the hotel, Dad went to heat my coffee back up (something everyone does for me multiple times a day because I love having a warm cup in my hands even more than I love drinking the warm drink). Greg, the bellhop that was so eager to help us to our room last night, rushed over to ask if I needed anything while Dad was around the corner at the microwave. We started talking and he asked what I was doing at Magee. I told him I was attending outpatient rehab Monday-Friday through February 19 and that before that I had been a patient across the street for almost three months. When I told him that I'd gotten sick at the end of August, put on life support a week later, paralyzed from the neck down and flown to UVA all prior to arriving to Philadelphia, his jaw dropped and eyes widened as he said "that was THIS year? As in a couple months ago?" He went on to tell me how strong I am and that I must really be a fighter. He said a few more encouraging words and I was left thinking about the timing of everything once again. Whenever I start to get discouraged about how slow I think my progress is, God does something to show me that it's only slow in my eyes. I need this constant reminder of how much time an injury like this takes to recover from and God never fails to give me a sign when I need it most. 

January 25

Everyone comments on how great my attitude and positivity has been these last few months...it's not really something I have to work for, it just makes sense. The only way to make this situation even more miserable would be to focus only on the negative aspects. That being said, today was a hard day. I was having a major pity party (it was more than just a dip in the pity pool and I definitely would've shriveled up.) I always get emotional when I have to pack up and head back to Philly. I'm excited to continue getting stronger, but I just want to be better and be home. I'm feeling very tired of being sick...like Dusty said when I had the stomach bug, I "just can't catch a break." This way of thinking is very unlike me, but I've been praying about it and know that it's normal to have these moments, I just need to wake up tomorrow feeling determined and cheerful again. 

Dad and I listened to Sirius xm radio- "the message" Christian station the whole way to Philly this evening and the songs were so perfect. One of my favorite Casting Crowns songs came on and these lyrics really stood out:

"Every tear I cry, you hold in your hand. You've never left my side, and though my heart is torn, I will praise you in this storm"

Although I feel broken at times, God is still by my side and I'll still praise Him. He's still blessing me during this storm. I've turned a lot to music recently..I've found comfort in the lyrics of many Christian songs, especially Casting Crowns "just be held." And more than a couple people have told me that Rachel Platten's "fight song" is my song. I was looking online for more of Rachel Platten's songs today and found one called "Stand by you." Naturally, it made me think of Dusty. 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-urmcz2RSwI

He's constantly saying how "we" can make it through and that I'm not alone. The song says "even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through hell with you." One day we'll find heaven, but it has definitely felt like we've been through hell. It also says "if your wings are broken, borrow mine til yours can open." It reminds me of how many times he's said he wished he could go through this for me. I wouldn't want that for anyone, especially him, but at least I know I'm not alone. It sounds cheesy, but it's like until my legs are working again, he's carrying me through. God is consistently by my side, Dusty keeps reminding me that he'll never leave me, and my family has shown me nothing but unconditional love. 

This has been quite a wild ride so far, but I pray that I'll wake up tomorrow morning refreshed and focused on all my blessings. I know I'm being "transformed" and although I don't like God's pace right now, I know the ending is going to be greater than I can imagine. 

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. James 1: 2-3

January 23 and 24

When I was younger, I was amazed with my Mom's multitasking skills. I'd ask how she could possibly drive the car and still see behind her and know what James and I were doing (usually him taunting to pinch or poke me, two things I absolutely hate!) Her reply was "I'm Wonder Woman." And I actually believed it, haha. While she might not have the wonder woman costume and be out fighting crime, she has still been somewhat of a superhero these last few months. I still can't quite comprehend how sick I was, but I can't imagine how awful it'd be to see your child flown to another hospital, put on life support, stuck in an ICU bed, and paralyzed from the neck down...I often get upset and feel like I'm asking for too much or requiring too much of everyone's time and my mom, Dusty, and Steph have all looked at me on different occasions saying "you're not a burden, you're a blessing." It's hard to think of myself like that...

Anyways, my mom was back to her superhero ways yesterday. Dad and I both had some kind of stomach bug, keeping him either in bed or running to the bathroom to get sick. I didn't have much of an appetite all day and just felt so weak. My mom took care of me, him, and was outside shoveling- trying to stay on top of the snow accumulation. Oh, and did I mention that she's also had an awful cold she's been fighting for the past week? 

My brother has also been really impressive. I always knew he was mature for his age and anyone that has met him would agree. I like to say that yeah, he's my little brother with four years of an age difference, but he knows so much about the world and often talks way above my head. While my dad was still sick in bed (something that never happens- he never quits and always works so hard), James also helped with the snow and making me feel better. 

I hate being sick...but at least if I'm going to have a stomach bug, it was during a snow storm while we're stuck home anyways and I didn't have to miss therapy. All I want is to crawl up in bed with a pair of the numerous fuzzy socks I've received and one of the many soft blankets, but my temperature regulation is still off and I sweat, even when I feel so cold, making me constantly uncomfortable. I just have to keep reminding myself that although things like that are still occurring, it's way better than it was before and I'm not taking any steps backwards. 

I'm finally feeling a little better and slept the best I have in awhile. I even had enough of an appetite for my coffee and breakfast this morning. I wish it wasn't so nasty outside and we could go to the therapy pool (that sauna sounds amazing right about now). Dusty keeps reminding me that in one month, we'll be soaking up the sun in punta cana with "a pool, bar and buffet." Haha

January 21 and 22

Yesterday started great with another lady at the hotel paying for our coffee...she even told my dad that she's had numerous family members attend Magee for rehab and that as long as we're staying at the hotel, we don't need to buy our coffee. 

I forget how we got onto the topic, but Herb was telling me about his faith yesterday morning. He was saying how him and his wife have attended some Christian retreats and how great it is to be surrounded by so many believers in one place. He was also telling me about how his mother is planning to move in with him and his wife in the next few months. He's happy about this because she lives in South Carolina and he doesn't see her often. He joked and said that she's bossy and will probably try to make him get rid of one of his big screen tvs. Him and his mother have different beliefs when it comes to religion, so he's hoping that his lifestyle will influence her when she moves in and he asked me to pray about this for him. He asked if I was a Christian and when I told him yes, he responded with "I knew there was something different about you." I'm not exactly sure what he meant by that, but I could tell he meant it to be a compliment. That's how I want to live my life...I want people to see Christ in me...to know there's something different. I think that's how God wants us to live our lives, so I'm glad that I can still radiate His love amidst all the hardships.

I went on two outings yesterday- one to the grocery store since I'm cooking next week and one to Dave and Busters. It was nice doing normal things, but it's definitely different. I had such a hard time reaching for things at the grocery store and I don't know how I would've carried more than a single basket worth of items if I was alone. The arcade was also hard because I couldn't play some of the games...I'm learning to be okay with these changes though. I know I could do whatever I set my mind to, but I guess I'm also learning what's more important, like what's most important for me to learn how to do. 

Dad and I left philly yesterday to avoid bad weather. I hate missing a day of therapy, but I know it's better to be safe. I spent the day watching the snow steadily fall out the window. It's so pretty, but I have absolutely no desire to go outside in it...18 degrees sounds way too cold for me! 

I also spend some time journaling (I'm so happy my handwriting is back to the way it was before I got sick!) I also sat down and went through all the cards I had gotten at UVA- the ones people submitted online. There were two whole binders full- and it took me an hour to read them! I felt incredibly blessed as I read them, seeing the names of people I hadn't talked to in awhile and some people I'd never even met. 

I sat on the couch instead of in my chair tonight and I stood up with a walker! I needed some help getting up, but once I was standing, Mom was at my knees and James and Dad backed off at each side. I didn't really feel like I was doing much, but they both said they had backed off and weren't helping me stand. It was a good way to end the day and I'm glad that even when I'm home, my family is dedicated enough to make sure I still get therapy- they're always willing to help me with standing, pool therapy, or any other exercise and even push me when I'm tired and unmotivated. 

January 20

I may or may not have a coffee addiction... Our hotel serves Starbucks in the lobby and whoever I'm with gets some for the two of us each morning. We get our coffee then go across the street to catch the shuttle. Yesterday, the lady at the register told my dad that coffee was on her the next day..just because. Then, yesterday afternoon, my shuttle driver, Herb, gave me two gift cards to Starbucks- a $5 and a $10 card. We had talked last week about what coffee we like and he'd said Starbucks was too strong for him, so I'm guessing someone had given him these cards and he remembered that I like it. They're small gestures, but I thought it was so nice from both people. 

I'm still working hard in therapy..it's exhausting but so worth it already. Today alone I did the treadmill, stim bike, balancing activities, and was in the standing frame. I'm not big on naps or getting into bed sooner than I need to, especially after all that time I was in the ICU and forced to stay in bed, but all this hard work is helping me sleep better at night! 

Jeremiah 29:11 has always been one of my favorite verses. God has a plan for me...not just a future, but a prosperous future. That's something I needed to be reminded of. I'm so caught up in thoughts about my current condition that it's hard to think that much into the future. I try to think about how great it'll be to look back and be able to say "I once was quadriplegic" or "I had a trach." It'll also be good to look back on these months and see how much they've taught me and how I'm going to take what I've learned and use it, especially in my career as an optometrist. It's just difficult to picture all of that right now. Doctors, therapists, friends, and family all make comments or say that I'm going to walk again and I pray with everything I've got that it's true...I'm just so scared to get my hopes up and picture my future like that. I've always been one to plan everything and always knew what my next step was going to be...I mean, I've known I've wanted to be an eye doctor since the third grade! So, it's a change for me to not be planning everything right now. 

"Simply trust me and thank me in advance for the good that'll come out of it all." I'm still trying to be trusting during these hard times...God has a plan for me and this is in His hands.

January 18

Every morning, my shuttle driver, Herb, and I listen to KLove Christian contemporary radio. Monday's always suck more than the rest of the week, but my devotional really spoke to me this morning and my favorite song came on the radio. It's chorus is: 

"When you're on your knees and answers seem so far away,

You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held

Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place,

I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held"

It's been a song I've listened to a lot these past few months. My favorite part is "if your eyes are on the storm, you'll wonder if I love you still,

But if your eyes are on the cross, you'll know I always have and I always will"

I spent a lot of time asking "why me" and wondering if God was testing me somehow. I spent so much time trying to figure out the reasoning behind all of these events instead of just letting them teach me and grow my faith. It was hard not to question how loved I was because how could this happen to me when God loves me? But those lyrics remind me that although we live in a broken world where bad things happen, if I focus on what Jesus did for me on the cross, I'll be reminded of how loved I am and how much good has come from these past few months. I just find so much comfort in this song and knowing that no matter what, even if I'm constantly questioning why things have turned out this way, I will always be loved. 

It's easier said than done...trust in the Lord and the blessings will "far outweigh" the trials. And trusting Him, especially when things go wrong is even harder. I long to have faith that doesn't falter when the path gets rocky, but I'm learning that God isn't holding that against me. This is such a learning experience from all angles, but most importantly, for my faith and relationship with Christ. 

Im loving day rehab... I love ending the day tired and knowing that I've worked really hard. Today, I did the treadmill, stim bike, glider, and standing. I love how tired my legs feel! Nothing dramatic is happening, but I know I'm improving little by little each day. I pray daily for patience and the ability to trust wholeheartedly. I've come a long way, but it's never going to be easy. I'm learning so much about myself, my faith, my Savior, and the world around me and for that I'm thankful. I look forward to each day and the relationships I've been able to build, like with Herb, my shuttle driver. 

January 13

Exercises have been picking up and I've been so exhausted this week! We've set the schedule for me to do the stim bike and lokomat treadmill on Mondays and Wednesday's. I've also been doing the glider when I have time. I know every part of rehab is important, but I love doing these things and focusing on leg strengthening. On Monday, I reached powers of 4.0 on the stim bike, which is a measurement of how much work I'm doing...the last few times, my average power was around 2.0, so I was really happy seeing a 4.0 on the screen. The therapist also said numbers over 4.0 are more significant since smaller numbers may result from background noise and movement. 

I've been working a lot of perfecting my transfers and on my core strength/balance. They're coming along, but there's always room for improvement. 

Stephanie has been such a lifesaver this week. She keeps saying she's not doing anything, but she has been such a big help. She makes sure I get a shower and everything in the morning, leaving her with barely anytime to get ready and she has never once complained. Friendships like this are hard to find and I'm considering myself more and more blessed each day.

Today, I did the lokomat and didn't even need to wear my binder! The binder is this compression material that goes around the waist...this and these talk compression socks help raise the blood pressure, so I've been wearing it especially when I'm standing for a long time or on the treadmill. I was relieved to have not needed it this morning, even with the longer set up time on the lokomat, making me remain static for about 5-10 minutes before the walking starts. 

I also did stim bike again plus tall kneel and quadraped (all fours)...four of the harder things I would do in therapy at the inpatient facility all in one day! Needless to say, I'm exhausted! 

January 9

My first week (well, half week) of day-hab was so great. I love everything about it- my therapists, the nurses, the staff, the patients I'm with, the equipment, how busy I am, the hotel I'm staying at, the shuttle and the driver (Herb) that takes me to and from rehab, and the fact that I get to come home every weekend. Dusty got to spend the first half week with me and when he had to leave on Friday to get to work, James showed up to drive me home. I'm looking forward to this week and spending it with Steph. I was so blessed to spend almost 3 months at inpatient and have visitors every single day except one and I'm just as blessed to have people taking days off work or vacation time to take me to Philly. As long as we can stay in the hotel and I have people to come stay with me, I'll continue with day-hab. I'm approved for 3-4 weeks as of now, but I'd love to continue therapy up until I leave for Punta Cana with Dusty's family at the end of February. I'm not sure if I mentioned it, but Dusty's grandfather bought my ticket while I was sick saying he'd be so upset if I could go and didn't have a ticket...they even made sure it was wheelchair accessible. It's been my goal to get into the best shape possible before I leave for that trip. Kennedy-Krieger in Baltimore is still an option for more therapy when I get back. 

I did stim bike twice this week, got on all fours, did the glider, and some transfer work. I can actually see the changes in the tone of my legs. We noticed a lot of change at the pool today...dad moved my legs like I was riding a bike and then stopped helping and I was able to continue the motion for 3-4 minutes! Me trying to kick my legs behind me looked more like kicking and not just hip twisting. And lastly- we went to hospice and bought a walker to bring into the water. I sat on the bench inside the pool and used the walker to stand up on my own!!! I didn't even need help getting up or tucking my hips in. I'm hoping that as I get stronger and regain more movement I'll be able to use the walker to walk in the water since it'll be easier in water to begin with. 

Two more positives this week:

1. My PT, Kelly, was impressed with how straight my posture was in the glider and said no one ever looks that straight, especially their first time doing it with her.

2. I met up with some of my old therapists and one of the PTs looked at me and said "I've been doing this 11 years and I know 100% that you'll walk again. I have no doubt and you know I wouldn't just say that."

They may not have known it, but I needed to hear those things so badly. 

This was a great reminder of how everything is in God's hands and that I just need to be patient...I get frustrated at times and hate how long simple tasks take, but I'm constantly reminded that nothing is impossible with God. I wear a bracelet with Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." When I'm tired or upset, I look at that and know that I can make it..I do an extra rep in the gym or try the task in struggling with one more time. I'll never give up, but I'm thankful for these constant reminders that it's all in His hands.

January 6

I'm back in Philly! The plan is to do at least 3-4 weeks here at Magee's outpatient facility (hopefully longer, but it depends on how long we can stay in the hotel and if I can have someone stay with me...I'm here Monday-Friday and home on the weekends, but someone from home needs to come stay with me). Dusty is with me for the rest of this week and I started the day-rehab program today. 

It was nice to be home for awhile, but I was excited to get back to daily therapy because I'm really looking forward to seeing what will happen with my legs once I build up some more strength. Just the past week spent at the pool resulted in changes in tone and more noticeable movement, especially in the water. 

Dusty and I surprisingly not only got to the inpatient facility (across the street) to catch the shuttle on time, but we were actually early! I was proud of us because it's always difficult to get moving in the morning, but it's even more difficult having to transfer out of the bed, into the shower, into my chair, etc. We went across the street and waited in the lobby until the shuttle was ready to leave. We were barely even there for five minutes when I saw one of the cleaning ladies that I'd talk to on a regular basis and joke about football with while I was a patient. (She's an eagles fan and I'm a redskins fan). She came off the elevator and right over to give me a hug when she saw me. I saw a couple other staff members I'd gotten to know while we waited there...that's one thing I love about Magee. I was there for almost 3 months and never met an unfriendly person. Dusty and I even went back this afternoon since the shuttle drops us off there anyway. I got to see the therapists, nurses, kitchen staff, and Regina (one of the patients I said I'd come back to see). It felt so good going in there and seeing everyone, but also being able to leave with Dusty instead of being left behind.

My first day of rehab went really well. I'm literally busy from 9-3, nonstop. Today was filled with a lot of evaluations. They needed to see what I could do and talk about what I wanted to work on in order to set goals for the next few weeks. It's crazy to think that when I first started at Magee, my first goal was to scratch my own nose (my face, especially my nose, had been really itchy and I was tired of having to ask someone to scratch if every five minutes). That was a goal I achieved in about two days, so I'm praying that my new goals of getting better at lower body dressing, improving transfers, getting better posture and balance, and strengthening my legs will also be achieved during my time here. 

I loved my new therapists and everyone was very friendly- people I hadn't even met knew my name and said hi when I passed them in the halls. I was a little discouraged when my new PT, Kelly, didn't feel any movement in my legs, but I had to remind myself that other therapists have felt it, that it's more apparent after weight bearing exercises, and that it was definitely there in the water. My spirits were lifted when they rearranged my schedule to make sure I got on the stim bike before I left for the day. I hadn't done it in awhile, so I wasn't expecting a very good performance. I was excited that I did really well! I was still able to get off the motor and my legs felt really tingly and tired afterwards. 

My day consists of PT, OT, and rec, then there are group activities throughout the week and a meeting with a psychologist once a week. I really liked the speech therapist, but I was still happy that she said I didn't need any speech therapy. We go on an outing once a week and this week is bowling...I'm hoping that I can at least score something when we go tomorrow, haha. I was never very good at bowling to begin with, so we'll see how it goes!

Everyone has to meet with the psychologist and I feel as though my evaluation with her went well today. Having a spinal cord injury changes many aspects of daily living and for some people, these changes may be permanent. It's good to have someone there that knows your history and gets to know you in case you need someone to talk to...I'm pretty open about my feelings and don't really think I need to talk to a professional about everything, but it's comforting to know someone is there if I change my mind. I had a lot of trouble dealing with the major adjustments a few months ago, but as I've seen improvements, I've been able to cope with these changes better. Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel has helped with my outlook on the whole situation. However, when the psychologist asked me how I'd feel if I didn't have a full recovery, I almost lost it. I know that's something she probably has to ask and that she needs to make sure I don't have extremely unrealistic expectations, but this thought had never really crossed my mind before. It's really been weighing on my mind since that conversation. I forgot my devotional at home, so I had my mom send me a picture this afternoon. The passage couldn't have been more appropriate. It says "don't be discouraged that many of your prayers are yet unanswered." That's exactly what I needed to read. For a short time, I was doubting God's healing power and not trusting Him in the dark. I was letting my difficulties draw me into worrying when I need to trust Him and believe in all the goodness He can achieve in my life and my healing journey. It's difficult to follow Him in the darkness, but I need to remember that He hasn't failed me yet. I've come such a long way and I have yet to hit a plateau in my road to recovery. Healing takes time and I'm praying for patience. I don't want to think about a life in which I don't achieve full recovery because I feel like that is doubting God's power...I just need to wait on His timing. 

January 1

Exercise and eating healthier is always a top New Year's resolution and that's no exception for me this year, I just started a few months earlier. I hope to continue strengthening my whole body and eating the right foods to nourish my body. I've always been pretty healthy and went to the gym, but my perception of healthiness has changed even more...I can't stand the thought of doing nothing all day. I think those feelings come from so many weeks of being in a hospital bed and literally not being able to move at all. I'm also more cautious of what foods I'm putting into my body. I only have one body and I want to take care of it the best I can. I think my state of health helped me fight whatever it was that attacked body and helped me bounce back faster than most people. 

To kick off the new year, I continued my streak of going to the pool. Like each day, there was more improvement. Things like my posture or strength seem to get a little better every time we go and more movement is seen. It's making me even more excited to get back to Philly next week and start more therapy! I've seen so much change in just 4 days that I can't even imagine what'll happen after day long therapy with people who are actually trained in strengthening and spinal cord injuries. 

I look forward to walking with God and experiencing "continual newness" in this new year. 2015 was off to such a great start and then my life fell apart and I almost lost it half way through the year. It was emotional to think about starting a new year because while I'm excited to put 2015 behind me and see all the progress I'm going to make in 2016 (including a hopeful full recovery), this wasn't how I wanted to start it...and seeing all my flashback photos from last year made me a little sad that I wasn't as healthy and had everything going my way like I did at that time last year. I had everything planned and was ready to finish my last year of schooling before rotations. But life changes and things don't always go our way. I find comfort in Jeremiah 29:11...God has a plan for me. And although I may not know it now, His plan is better than mine. So, here's to 2016...and may I fulfill God's plan for me this year.