February 9

"It is not an easy road, but it is a delightful and privileged way." I'm not quite sure if delightful is the exact word I'd use, but I do feel privileged with how blessed I've been. With as much as this has sucked, I'm not sure if I'd change it. Yeah, I'd like to fast forward and be able to reflect on it instead of still living through it, but I've learned so much. My relationships are so much stronger and I've gained so many new friendships. I remember Mom telling me a few weeks ago "I wouldn't wish for you to go through this, but I have enjoyed the extra time with you." It's like we feel guilty saying there's good in this experience...but I think that's the purpose- God is creating goodness and light in the darkness. Mom is always saying it's about the journey and to enjoy the now- not the frustrating parts, but all the good shining through. 

Today, the morning started rocky with the hotel fire alarm going off at 5:30...the loud speaker said to remain where you were, but I was so scared. I was laying in bed, not even in my chair...I felt helpless. How was I going to get out if they announced that we needed to evacuate? I was thankful to be on the second floor instead of the 25th, but still. I was comforted to know the firemen would know to check the handicap rooms first, but then I was upset to think about myself being labeled as "handicapped." Over 30 minutes later, a few tears, and several prayers, the alarm and flashing lights stopped. The rest of the morning was much smoother. Sally and I made it to breakfast downstairs and were greeted by so many of the wonderful staff members at the hotel. They all go out of their way to help me. I just got the buffet, but one of the waiters came over with refreshing oj and told us over and over how we didn't have to worry about the bill and that we could have anything we wanted. They offered my waffles and pancakes (that I can't eat because they aren't gluten free), then went into the back and made me an egg white omelet.

A floor transfer and wheelies were the therapeutic excitement of the afternoon. They were both so much better than the last time I did them, right before I left the main hospital. We ended the day of therapy with Jeanette, the woman in charge of the greenhouse at inpatient, helping everyone plant something for Valentine's Day. I planted an African violet and decided to give it to Herb for his wife. He was so happy and glad he didn't have to go to the store for a present, haha. I'm glad I gave it to him because he had a little bag of valentines candy for me and I would've felt bad if I didn't have anything for him.

Last night, one of my friends from college sent me this video. Although I didn't have Guillain-Barre, she thought I'd like it. 

http://youtu.be/VwQzjj9aQnQ

I cried the whole time I watched it, reflecting back on the past five months. I remember the trach, first time outside, my first hand movements, first time in a chair, first stand... It was all too familiar.  I shared it with Mom and Dusty. I think for Mom and I, it gave immediate hope; for Dusty, it brought back a lot of bad memories. I'm excited to continue my journey and be able to reflect back on my first steps, first time with a walker, then first time walking independently. I can't wait for my happily ever after. 

February 8

I've seen the saying before, but read it again today- "what if you woke up today with only the things you thanked God for yesterday?" It's funny that I saw this today because I was thinking about thankfulness today...I loved how Peyton Manning kept saying how grateful he was when he was being interviewed after winning the Super Bowl. I think his words were more like "I just can't wait to go hug my wife and my kids...I'm just so grateful. I'll definitely be drinking a lot of Budweiser and thanking the big man upstairs." Haha. But seriously, he told like three different reporters how "grateful" he was and wasn't ashamed to mention God and refer to his faith in front of all those cameras. 

Part of the day rehab program is having to meet with a psychologist (something I'm not really a fan of, but I'm sure it helps a lot of people). I meet with her on Mondays, so I had to today. She asked me how this experience has changed me...something totally textbook to ask and very hard to answer, but I found myself talking about just how thankful I am. I mean, I've always been thankful for everything I have, but obviously I'm even more thankful now. You just never know when things can change and how fast. It's easier to be thankful for things like family and a house, etc., but you don't think about being thankful for things like being able to walk, feed yourself, push the button on your electric toothbrush...I'll never forget when Mom and I looked at each other my first night at Magee with tears in our eyes as we said we'd never take anything for granted again.

Today, I was thankful to see these words. I sometimes feel guilty when I find myself struggling or pitying myself...but God knows how I feel and doesn't fault me for constantly calling out and asking for His help. At the same time, I needed that reminder that my problems shouldn't be my focus. My focus needs to be on Him and on getting better; and trusting Him to give me the strength to be better. I don't want to be like Peter, doubting and starting to sink in the water. I want to rise above, full of faith and trust- knowing that it'll all work out. 

"You make all things work together for my good."

I look forward to the future and am not afraid. If I can make it through this, I can make it through anything. And I can't wait to see how beautiful the grass is on the other side.

Sally and I went to Reading Terminal Market today (I just couldn't get enough of it last week! And I've been craving the monster cookie I got ever since...so naturally, I had to get three more today haha). I was going up and down the aisles in my wheelchair when a man came speed walking past me, took a slight step back and said "I just got out of one of those myself....they said I'd never walk again. Keep it up." And that was it. He didn't know me, know what happened, nothing, but it was inspirational and more than likely a sign. Things happen for a reason and I believe God is reminding me not to lose hope. 

February 6 and 7

Both of the devotional passages for this weekend talked about slowing down, taking one step at a time, or resting/relaxing- all things I struggle with! But how appropriate because the weekends really are my time to rest and regroup (with the exception of my own pool therapy since I really just can't bare the thought of time off from therapy...why delay getting better and stronger?!) 

Don't give up...that's all I needed to see. 

I had another great weekend at home. I love that I'm able to get the max amount of therapy throughout the week and still be able to come home on the weekends. The only downfall is that there's not enough time to see everyone and do everything I want during that time home. But just two more weeks, then a much needed vacation, then I'll be able to get more things done when not in Baltimore. I look forward to getting back to some school stuff, like reviewing material, and catching up on Netflix, haha. 

I got to spend the afternoon at a winery Saturday- one of my favorite things to do. Dusty's mom and niece came over once I got home and I was so happy to finally make that happen because we'd been trying for the past three weeks and just kept running out of time. Miley has grown up so much since I've been sick...she's talking and making whole sentences these days. Dusty said he kept showing her my picture so she wouldn't forget me, that meant so much and just seeing how much he adores her warms my heart.

I have a good feeling about this week. My mom's long time friend, Sally, is coming with me to Philky until Wednesday. She's been like family (aka Aunt Sally) for as long as I remember, but I'm thankful for this time alone together. It's another example of the relationships God is blessing and strengthening. 

February 5

My timehop showed me that 3 years ago I posted "give me strength when I'm standing and faith when I fall." Then my devotional said "The most persistent choice you face is whether to trust Me or not. You will never run out of things to worry about, but you can choose to trust Me no matter what." I feel like those two things kind of go together...when things are harder, put more faith in God...by doing so, it's like putting all your trust in Him. It's hard to worry when you're being so trusting. So I'm really trying to put all my faith in God and not worry so much. My friend, Christy, took the time to drive all the way to Philadelphia just to pick me up and drive me home today. We were talking in the car and I love she always has the perfect example or reference to relate to what we're talking about. She was telling me about a guy who said it's like a roller coaster...when life is easy, you cruise straight ahead, but when life throws you curves or takes a sharp turn, you cling tighter to the Lord. Those sudden changes in your easy, straight path cause you to be closer to Him...I think we should strive to always be nearer to Him, but like in James 1:2-3,  consider it pure joy when you face trials of many kinds...God doesn't necessarily want us to face those trials, but when we do, He rejoices at those opportunities for us to draw closer to Him. And it's during these hardships that God gets to show His goodness.

Dusty and I got moving early again this morning...with food as my motivation, haha. There's a food truck that comes to LOVE park on Fridays...it's a bagel truck called "Schmear it." They have gluten free bagels and I'd been craving it since Tracy introduced me to them when I was at the main Magee hospital.

Therapy went well..I'm getting so much better at managing my legs, like pulling them up onto the mat or bed by myself once I've transferred over from my chair. I can also hold myself up in tall kneel or on all fours- I used to need someone holding my hips and back when I first did it, I needed like three people to get me into those positions and hold it. My upper body is also getting so much stronger- I'm constantly increasing the weight!

February 4

Today is going to be a good day! Dusty and I got ready and into the hotel lobby in an hour and twenty minutes...40 minutes less than usual! I think it was a combination of being prepared for the morning (clothes picked out, etc), me taking a shorter shower, and Dusty getting a million times better at putting my compression socks on, haha (I'm still wearing knee high socks that are really tight, like women's tights or hose, that help with blood pressure and ankle swelling). We even had time for a sit down breakfast! The staff at the Sheraton have taken such good care of me and I have tons of free breakfast vouchers, but hadn't been able to use any because we're always so rushed. We not only had an amazing breakfast, but the waiter also gave me a to go container so I could pack up and take some fresh fruit with me. 

I love the mornings here because I am reminded of all the great relationships I've  formed and people I've met. The Sheraton staff greet me when I get to the lobby (Stella at the coffee stand, Greg the concierge, the doorman, and the restaurant waitress who makes sure I always have a free breakfast ticket- just to name a few.) Then I get over to Magee's main hospital for the shuttle and get to see the people at the desk there, the janitor that always gives me a hard time because she thinks her Eagles are better than my Redskins, and any nursing or therapeutic staff that may be arriving to work while I wait in the lobby for Herb. 

Speaking of Herb, I picked him up these black lava toffee covered cashews from DiBruno brothers because he seemed so interested when I was talking about them a couple weeks ago. This morning he was like "I gotta ask you something...am I a bad person for not sharing those nuts with my wife? I didn't even tell her about them" haha! He keeps them in the visor of the shuttle above the driver's seat. I thought it was hilarious. 

Two random things that stuck out to me and were on my mind today: we were behind a tractor trailer that said "May God bless you" on our way to rehab this morning and my timehop said "God's plans for your life far exceed the circumstances of your day." 

We went to Reading Terminal Market for our outing today- we have an outing each Thursday. I'd only ever been there on the weekends and knew it was difficult to get around by walking, let alone how it's be navigating through in a wheelchair. I was surprised not to have much trouble at all! I got Indian food for lunch, some chocolate peanut butter ice cream for the ride back, and a gluten free cookie for later. 

We left the market, stopped for coffee, then watched a little tv in the hotel room before I got ready for the night. I curled my hair and even wore a dress with my boots instead of my sneakers that I wear every single day. We went to a place called Continental for happy hour. They led us to the back, where their elevator was so we could be seated on the second floor (basically rearranging the place so my wheelchair could fit through the narrow hallway). Our waitress actually recognized me and said her brother goes to Magee for outpatient right now. She was so friendly and spent awhile talking with us- then took our first round of drinks and our border of edamame off our bill! I made sure to tip her well and we said we'd come back on the 18th when Dusty comes back to Philly-it'll also be my last night coming back to Philadelphia! When we left, we went about a mile down the road to pick up a pizza to bring back to the room. I really wanted to try this specific restaurant because they had gluten free crust, but we were a little disappointed (this didn't help with Dusty's distaste in gluten free anything).

I handled the weather outside so well- no extreme coldness or sweating like I've experienced pretty much every day since I've been sick. And it felt like the way things used to...getting ready and going out, doing whatever we wanted to do. I had a new appreciation for the city and just loved exploring like we did. It was such a good day overall and I'm really looking forward to more days like this. 

February 3

I start each morning by reading two things: my devotional and my timehop on my phone (an app that tells you what you posted on any social media on this day in previous years). Just like most days, they were so perfect for today. My timehop said "we don't meet people by accident" and my devotional was:

Yet another reminder to take one day at a time. It's comforting to know I'm not alone, especially when each day seems so long since progress consists of the smallest baby steps at this point. I may not see the changes or have instant gratification of how my therapies are helping me, but I'm trying to focus on God, the unseen, instead of those visible changes.

Today, Cate had me get into tall kneel and wanted me to hold it for 2-5 minutes. I did it for 5 minutes, took a break and then did it for another 8 minutes straight! In the afternoon, Kelly had me do weighted tricep pushes. I had been doing 50lbs, so she wanted me to go up to 55lbs. I ended up doing 60lbs! It was a good day and I feel like I really pushed myself and made the most of it.

Dusty got here this afternoon and our plans of exploring the city a little bit were cancelled due to a downpour of rain. We ended up just staying at the hotel and having dinner at their restaurant. Rachel and Jenessa stopped by- again, it's hard saying goodbye to everyone leaving for rotations...I did a lot better tonight than I did yesterday though. Everyone that knows me knows I'm just not good at handling goodbyes of any kind!

February 2

I didn't get a chance to create a post yesterday, but there was another perfect devotional passage. My "huge mountains" that loom in front of me are everything that involves a full recovery. Sometimes I'm so focused on that and I lose sight of what God is doing in my life at the moment...like the relationships and people He is placing here at just the right times. Speaking of relationships and people being there at the right times, I have some examples...

The first would be something I didn't even know about until Mom told me last weekend. My nurse in the ICU in Winchester wasn't even supposed to be working and turned out to be a big advocate for me- pushing the doctor to see how agitated I was and not being quiet about the feeling she had that something just wasn't right. Things like this have happened over and over again, but I usually don't realize it until afterwards. This weekend was different. Mom and I went to Magee on Saturday (mostly to waste time while the guys packed up my stuff and moved me out of my house in Philly since the lease was up). Mom went to bring our bags to the car while I went straight to the lobby to wait for her. On my way, I saw Mary, someone who has helped a lot with my case and has helped make sure I had somewhere to stay during day-rehab since I live so far away. I told her how great everything was going and how thankful I was that everything had worked out because this more intensive therapy was just what I needed. I talked with her up until we reached the lobby, where a middle-aged couple was waiting for her. They were there for a tour and Mary asked me if I had anything I wanted to tell them. I felt a little on the spot, but told them how great Magee is, what they've done for me, and that I hadn't met a single unfriendly person the whole time I was there. I continued inside and visited everyone- from nursing to therapists to cafeteria staff to old patients. A little while later, while we were driving out of the parking garage, we saw that same couple walking to their car. I rolled down my window to talk to them. I asked more about why they were there and what they thought about the facility. They seemed really impressed and told me how their 21 year old daughter got Guillian Barre Syndrome on December 24th this year. They also told me how comforting it was to go on the fifth floor and see how excited everyone was to see me and the impression I left with the staff because I reminded them of their daughter. We drove away and it was just so apparent to Mom and I how perfect that timing was. I could have just sealed the deal for them and their daughter..I just wish I'd gotten her name so I could pray for her by name. 

My friend, Maureen, has been with me for the beginning half of this week. Her sons played baseball with my brother and I've known them for a long time. It's been really great to spend time with her and catch up these past few days. We've explored the area around the hotel, gone out to eat, painted our nails, and went to the Comcast building.

Today was an emotional day. Three of my best friends from school stopped by to see me. Like I had said earlier, my classmates are now done with school in Philly and leaving for rotations. My friends came to say "goodbye." I couldn't help but cry almost the whole time they were visiting and then some more when they left...I'm upset because I wish I were done with classes and leaving as well, but I'm more upset about the idea of all of us being so far apart. I hate that the last four months were spent like this instead of really enjoying the last bit of time we all had together here. I'm still sad as I think about it, but I'm starting to handle it better as I realize that these months have also shown me just how wonderful all my friends are (not like I had any doubt!) 

I'm constantly being reminded of how blessed I am to have so many incredibly supportive people in my life. I'm trying to enjoy the time I have with all of these people... It's hard to use the word "enjoy" when I also feel like my world has somewhat fallen apart, but, like in the devotional- I'll keep my mind on the present journey, enjoying His presence and letting Him reveal how absolutely blessed I am to be constantly surrounded by such loving people.