May 18 and 19

I've had a really busy, but really productive couple of days. I've been doing the stim bike and arm bike in the wellness gym, trying to burn as many calories as possible. Yesterday, had my appointment with the psychologist- Dr. Sobelman. He's an older man that owns his own practice, teaches, and comes to KKI twice a week. I always felt like psychologists had been forced on me and I never felt comfortable talking to them. I think sometimes this stigma gets associated with the words "therapist" or "shrink" or "psychologist." I've always been really open with how I feel about things and never thought I needed to schedule an appointment to talk about my feelings. Both Mom and Dusty have been suggesting I talk to someone since all this has happened. Mom thought I should because I get "weepy" sometimes and Dusty thought I needed to because "no one would be okay if this happened to them." They both thought it'd be best to talk to someone completely removed from everything that has happened. Someone who hasn't been affected by it. I've been kind of down lately and just...sad. Not at all feeling like I want to give up or anything like that, but just really struggling with the fact that it's all in God's time, not mine. I didn't know how to describe how I was feeling, but was worried it might be "depression." I don't really know what that feels like, but maybe that was why I've been so down? 

Not even five minutes into our hour session, Dr. Sobelman had me feeling a million times better. He started by telling me he knew nothing about me. He doesn't like to read anyone's chart before they arrive because he prefers to start with a blank slate and let the patient tell him about themselves. 

I told him about what has happened since the end of August. It was so easy and comfortable to talk to him and it wasn't at all one sided. He didn't drill me with questions, but rather talked about himself or told other stories. It's funny, but I kind of liked that he called me "kiddo." He said there are different stages of emotions after life changing events and that there's a difference between grieving and depression. He thinks I'm still grieving...grieving the way things used to be. Things changed in the blink of an eye. I literally remember going to the hospital, being in the ER, and then nothing. I didn't get a chance to adjust to the changes- and they're the biggest changes imaginable. I often find myself looking at pictures and wishing things were that way again. Grief. That's the word I was looking for. He explained the way I was feeling that fast. I felt like he'd known me for years...he said he had the feeling I was my own worst critic (completely correct), that I was probably a perfectionist (I guess I can't hide that), and that I was the person many people came to with their problems but that I don't often burden others with my own because I have trouble trusting others  (also correct). I wish I could read people that well and that quickly! He gave me the option of continuing to meet with him (once a week) and I didn't feel pressured to, but I gladly made an appointment for next week. I feel like I'm going to get to know myself through this process and I actually look forward to it. 

I also had a meeting with a social worker. There are just so many things that need to get done- some that I'm not even aware of and I felt like having someone kind of take over all of this would lift a huge weight off Mom and me. For instance, my handicap tag still hasn't gotten approved..and we started that process in December- before I even left Magee! I also wanted some guidance on things like getting back to driving. I'm not sure if I'll need hand controls or special accommodations, but I head the process takes awhile, so if I needed to, I wanted to get that started. Even if it means starting now then not needed special accommodations by the time it's all approved. She's also going to get Mom in touch with a woman from a peer mentoring program who has a daughter my age with a spinal cord injury. It's always nice to talk to others going through similar circumstances or who have done it before and learn from their experiences.

My last meeting was with a nutritionist. I've been feeling like I'm eating all the right things and just not losing weight. It's been a real struggle for me because I've always been pretty active- either running or going to the gym, so my activity level has dramatically dropped and there's not much I can do to burn as many calories as I used to. My therapy sessions are only equivocal to a normal person moving around on a regular day. The good and bad news is that the nutritionist said I'm eating all the right things. I eat the good fats, like avocados. I eat the flax and chia seeds. I don't eat sweets. I only drink water, tea, or coffee and never soda. And believe it or not, I've even been doing half caffeinated coffee with just a splash of fat free half and half and sugar. So her main suggestion was to just spread out my meals...eat the same things, but spread it out over the course of the day so my metabolic rate is more consistent. She also wants me eating more nuts and to have something nutritional, like hummus, as an afternoon snack. She said they don't know why, but studies have shown that drinking hot water with lemon helps with weight loss and increasing metabolism, so I'm doing that as well- I like drinking anything that'll keep my hands warm! Sometime next week, they're going to do a metabolic test on me where it measures the amount of calories burned by just sitting or sleeping so I can more accurately keep track of my calories throughout the day. It's going to be a lot of work, but I meet with her again at the beginning of July to see what has changed. Also- I just need to lose half an inch off my hips to be able to use the Esko skeleton, so I'm hoping this happens sooner rather than later because that's something I've been looking forward to since I started at KKI. 

As far as therapy sessions go, I was pretty pleased this week. The pool walking went well and Jen was happy about a few things: lots of quad activation, my left leg seemed to be doing more than usual, I was pretty good at weight shifting between each step, and am still doing a good job keeping my back leg straight. The Thera-stride went well Thursday and I was able to support more of my own weight. Then, we did walking over ground in the harness that also went well. And when we were doing that, Dr. Recio came into the gym. He makes his rounds often and always seems to know what all his patients are up to and how their therapy sessions are going. He stopped in front of us and said "she's really improving." Dennis agreed and Dr. Recio said "she needs to keep coming for therapy." Dennis said that he'd extended me through the beginning of July and Dr. Recio said that he didn't want me to have a discharge date. "She's STILL improving," he said. "I just saw her and she's got activation all the way down...it's not a 3, but at least all 1." I guess that means ideal movement would be rated a 3 and I'm not there, but hey, a 1 is better than 0. And how awesome is it that Dr. Recio is so excited about how I'm doing that he feels I need to continue exactly what we're doing? Later, Dennis made the comment to me that "a lot can happen in two months...we'll have to see where you are" when we were talking about how since I got changed to Dad's insurance, I have 140 therapy days and not unlimited. He said "we don't want to use all your days, then run out right when you really need them for gait training." He never says too many things like that, so I was happy ending the day and week like that. 

Everyone was starting to worry or question why I hadn't posted in a few days, but now you can see how busy this week has been! 

"But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength! They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 41:31