April 19

Okay, so I may have had a major break down last night...I handle things pretty well for the most part, but every now and then I just can't hold it in anymore. This is the part of my life I was waiting for...to be done with the course work for school, on rotations, closer to home and the people I've been away from all these years, and part one of boards behind me. I was in shape, healthy, and happy with the way I looked and the way I felt. I had it all. And before I knew it, everything was ripped away. I feel like a rug was pulled out from under me and I fell face first into the ground and I'm still struggling to get back up. I think about all that and then start feeling even worse because I've met so many people that are worse off than me. Why can't I just be thankful for what I have? Why can't I just suppress these thoughts of "what could've been"? I just feel like everyone around me is moving forward and I'm somehow taking steps backwards. I know when I step back to look at the big picture, I'm getting better and am improving, but sometimes it's just too slow to really recognize. Instead of just being thankful for the people I have in my life, I'm feeling guilty for taking up everyone's time and driving my parents into debt. I was supposed to be almost done my doctorate so I could help my parents out, not the other way around. 

But, like we always say, I've got to get out of the pity pool. I don't know if it's possible, but I'll just keep working harder.  I'm starting to get things set up with school and have been looking through notes. Maybe that'll make me feel more like my old self and help distract me and give me something more substantial to think about. 

On a more positive note, many people have already reached out with really great fundraising ideas...the only problem is that Mom and I don't personally have the time to organize an event because we're on the road and in Baltimore four days a week. So many people have suggested a GoFundMe page, so we're creating one...I just like the idea of fundraising and doing some sort of event instead of asking for money. It's hard to ask for help like that. 

Last night, Dusty told me that he knew all of this sucked, but to "gear up mentally for a long fight, but a fight we're ultimately going to win." He told me that I was allowed to be sad, but that I needed to turn it into motivation to work harder the next day. Of course I was bitter and told him I couldn't possibly work harder than I already am, but I started the day with that in mind. 

I tried to do my own transfers today and was actually pretty successful for the most part. And the strangest thing happen...Mom went to transfer me and I wasn't really positioned well and I didn't have good hand placement to push off of anything, but the transfer was so good...I really think I engaged my legs and kind of stood up. Mom and she didn't really even do anything, so it was me doing the work. It's crazy, but sometimes my legs just kind of kick in...I mean, I'm constantly trying to move them, but they actually do what they're supposed to sometimes! 

Dennis and I worked on wheelchair skills today and he was really impressed. Unlike most people, he said I wasn't afraid to do wheelies and lean back far enough. I know- me not afraid? It's so unlike me! But we did wheelies, ramps, and going down curbs and I actually enjoyed myself. Hopefully this will be another one of those things I get good at and then never have to use again.