March 30

Dusty taking this new job has sparked conversation about the future...it's exciting and exactly what I've been waiting for, but I'm also trying to suppress thoughts about a future of me not getting back to 100%. I wish I could think about the future and know that it's all going to be okay. I wish I could trust like that. How can you trust in all times, in all circumstances and with all your heart? I guess you start by reminding yourself that your story is already written...there's nothing we can do to change it, why not find comfort by trusting completely? Easier said than done. I pray each day for signs of His presence and for reassurance that I'm not alone, that I can trust each day to Him. The rest of the Proverbs verse is "trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight." I want to know what that feels like. To trust completely and know the Lord is going to work out all the kinks. Why's it so hard? I constantly find myself knowing everything is going to be okay and feeling so positive about things and then bam, I'm back to feeling sad and questioning everything. 

Just today, my brother came to Baltimore to spend the day with Mom and me. He drove my car (because it's little and doesn't take as much gas as his jeep). He pulled out of the KKI parking garage and waited to follow us to the courtesy house and I found myself thinking about how things used to be...all of a sudden, tears were filling my eyes as I thought about the last time I was even in my own car. It was that day I went to clinic with "the worst migraine ever," then came home and started running a fever and have everything start going downhill. It was the end of my independence. The end of doing whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. It was the last time I saw patients. The last time I did what I love, what I feel like I was made to do. I was trying to find the words to explain to my mom what was wrong since I couldn't hide the tears when Dusty called. I tried to play it off, but he could tell by my voice that something was wrong, so I had to spill it. Only he could make me laugh in a moment like that. He said "don't worry, I'll get you a new car..a pink jeep or whatever kind of vehicle you want in pink or yellow- you pick." Although pink and yellow are my favorite colors, I'm not sure I'd want anything but my little silver Hyundai Accent right now. I wish I could just get in that car and leave these last seven months behind.