March 23

I got ready completely on my own this morning! (Lower body dressing and everything!) and then made it out to the kitchen on my own (a big deal because this loaner wheelchair is kind of big and our hallway and doorways are narrow, making the turns really difficult- even for someone trying to push me). 

Danny Gokey's song "Tell your heart to beat again" spoke to me this morning. Here are the lyrics:

You're shattered

Like you've never been before

The life you knew

In a thousand pieces on the floor

And words fall short in times like these

When this world drives you to your knees

You think you're never gonna get back

To the you that used to be

Tell your heart to beat again

Close your eyes and breathe it in

Let the shadows fall away

Step into the light of grace

Yesterday's a closing door

You don't live there anymore

Say goodbye to where you've been

And tell your heart to beat again

Beginning

Just let that word wash over you

It's alright now

Love's healing hands have pulled you through

So get back up, take step one

Leave the darkness, feel the sun

Cause your story's far from over

And your journey's just begun

I love how you can listen to a song and have it relate so perfectly to what you're going through or how you're feeling. Yes, I've felt shattered. Yes, sometimes words aren't enough. Yes, I feel like I might not make it back to the old me. And yes, it has all driven me to simply pray about it. But hearing and reading those lyrics have made me realize that I'm not the same. Maybe I'm not getting back to the old me. I'm starting a new beginning and am going to be a better me. A stronger me. A more faithful me. And a healthier me. This is my new beginning. 

Mom took a video of me in therapy yesterday...she takes many photos and videos each day and sends them to Dad, Dusty, James and Grandma so they know what's going on and also so I can track my own progress- compare each video from week to week. I've heard many therapists tell me "I can tell you're helping me," but I never really knew what that meant. I feel like I'm moving my legs, but can't really tell for sure and I can't see if there's any movement when I'm standing...all I know is that there isn't the movement I want when I'm in a seated position. Well, I finally watched yesterday's video and was shocked to see myself actively initiating each step! It was obvious- even to me, who's usually in denial because I don't want to get my hopes up. This is what I've been waiting for! All it takes is just a little bit of movement...just having something there so that I can work to get stronger. I started with the slightest movement in my arms and was able to work hard enough to slowly build up enough muscle and get back to 100%. This brings me so much hope and I'm really looking forward to the next several weeks of working with Dennis!