June 28

That was from one of my daily devotionals. It goes along well with what I was saying on Sunday. I like this constant reminder...I don't look at it as just "not giving up," but rather, "keep going." I've already said that I'm not a quitter and I'd never give up. What point would that make? Then what? See, there's no good reasoning behind that. 

Speaking of working hard, that's exactly what I've been doing this week!! I walked for 52 minutes straight in the pool with Beth- a record she's hoping no one will ever beat. I got to try a new machine from restorative therapies, the company that makes the stim bikes. It was a pretty cool piece of equipment. I was standing and in a harness, then walked like on a treadmill. The main difference was that it was all stim- on my calves, quads, hamstrings, glutes, back. The benefit of that machine is that you're in the standing and walking position with the stim and supporting your own weight via muscle contractions from the stim. The set up takes a little while, but I felt like it was worth it. I'm hoping I'll be able to do that at least once a week...the walking just felt more natural than the GEO and Thera stride. 

Vicki totally kicked my butt in our session this week. We did circuit intervals and I barely made it through! Her goal was to exhaust me and finally get me feeling a little sore the next day and, let me just say, she succeeded. Everyone has tried to tire me out before, but haven't, so she felt pretty accomplished, haha. 

June 27

It's almost July, which means it's almost my birthday month. James' birthday is the 3rd and mine isn't until the 30th, so I always say that he gets the first three days and then the rest is my month, haha. I'd like to say that I don't really care about birthdays, and in part, I don't. I never really do anything special for it, I just like to constantly remind Dusty when it's approaching. It's not like I really want anyone to do anything for me...I just look at it as a reason to celebrate. That being said, I'll be 25 in a little over a month. I know it isn't really a big deal, but it is a quarter century. And 25 sounds like a good number to celebrate. It's a milestone. A memorable number. It makes me emotional to think about though. I thought 25 would look a lot different than this. Heck, I thought 24 would look a lot different than this. I feel like time is flying by, yet going so slow. It's crazy to think that I got sick a little less than a year ago when it feels like just last weekend, Dusty and I were up and down the road going to several summer weddings and other little trips here and there. But then when I think about the date and everything we've all been through, it feels like it's been forever, like certain things shouldn't take this long. I should be back to 100% already in my mind. The doctors said I should get everything back and that it might take a year, which at the time seemed absurd. I always achieve my goals in a timely fashion or faster than expected, so I didn't think this would be any different. I'm not used to being this wrong! Now it's almost been a year and I feel like I'm only halfway through my recovery, if even.  I know I'm making gains all the time, but I'm also reminded of how far I still have to go. I know I'm not supposed to think like that. My friend Molly told me to remember how less than a year ago, I was breaths away from dying. Dying. It sounds so dramatic and I still can't wrap my head around it. It's almost like since I don't really remember it, then it's not as bad as everyone says. I feel like it'd be so easy to motivate people and have them put things into perspective if I was on the other side of things. But I'm not. I'm on the crappy side. The side that needs the constant reminders and motivation. 

Tonight, I found some motivation in an acquaintance...not really a friend or even anyone I know very well. She sent me a message saying how she sells LuLaRoe clothing and how the company encourages giving back...some consultants do this in the form of giving away something free now and then, but she wanted to make a difference. And how amazing is it that she wanted to make a difference for me? We're going to be in contact about promoting an event, but it'll likely be in August. And she wants to spread the word to that community and try to get even more help from other consultants. It was such a nice gesture. She reminded me of how many people are rooting for me and gave me some words of encouragement. It meant a lot. Just to know people are thinking about you and cheering you on from afar, even when it's someone you hardly know or believed wouldn't think twice about you is touching. I think I needed to be reminded of that tonight. 

June 26

This morning's sermon really hit home...Pastor John was talking about perseverance and what would've happened to the world if Jesus had given up in tough times and not endured the hardships God called him to do. He was saying how common and easy it is to quit or give up. Boy, do I know that. I was just telling Dusty last night that although I'm not a quitter, I probably would've came close to wanting to give up if I didn't have him by my side. I told him that some days I just don't feel as strong as everyone thinks I am..as strong as God thinks I am. 

Matthew 26:53 shows that Jesus could've called on God and ended everything. Ended the pain and the suffering at any moment. But he didn't. 

We are where we are today because of the choices we made yesterday and we'll be where we are tomorrow because of the choices we make today. So much is out of my control, but if I continue to persevere and remain determined, the outcome is going to be better. 

Pastor John brought up the movie Passion of Christ and how when Jesus was being beaten, he fell to the ground and how watching that, he hoped he'd just stay down. The blows wouldn't be as bad if he just stayed there. But he didn't, he got back up. There was more pain to endure on his way to the finish line. 

2 Corinthians- finish the work. Don't just hope to do something, but execute it. 

That should be my motivation. I'm not just going to hope to get better, I need to do something about it. I'm glad that's my personality already. Things don't get better just because I want them to, I have to do something about it and that's exactly what I'm doing. That's why I've picked up extra therapy, started meeting with a nutritionist and personal trainer, and go to the wellness gym during my free time. I just wish I was seeing my efforts pay off faster. One step at a time though, literally. 

June 23

Wednesday's are my catch up days- usually filled with appointments. I had another personal training session with Vickie and she really worked me for the whole hour. Her goal is to get me to do a pull up on my own, which makes me laugh because I've never been able to do that...not even in elementary school when that was one of the fitness tests in gym class. She told me that she wanted me to try a pull up and I had an automatic image of those insanely strong athletes that compete and do all these outrageous things from their wheelchair. I by no means got anywhere close to that, but I did get a little lift...my butt actually left the chair, haha. It's a work in progress I guess...gotta start somewhere! 

Thursday was a great way to end the week of therapy! The pool went great and I was able to stand without arm support...not for long, but I'm working on my balance. I think it'll get better the stronger my core gets. Although, Vickie said I'm actually pretty strong already. Then, the Thera-stride went better than normal. Dennis said he's not sure what it was, but it just went better than it has. (Don't know what that means, but I'll take it!) Then we did some walking over ground and Dee was on my hips, which she hasn't done in awhile. She was so impressed with the difference! At one point, she backed off and was standing next to me to prove she wasn't helping much haha. And Dennis said that he wasn't really helping bring my legs forward when we walked, he was mostly just unweighting my foot. Like I have enough control to bring my leg forward, but not enough strength to lift my whole leg up. So, overall, it was a pretty good week...and I still can't get over how Kim said Dennis should do a reassessment weekly. I'm glad changes are finally being seen so fast in my legs (although, I'll admit that it still isn't as fast as I wish!)

June 21

It's already been a great week and it's only Wednesday...

The pool went so well! I was kind of upset I wasn't with Rachel (although, thinking back to last week and how she made me "swim" against the jets, making me feel like a drowning dog trying to doggy paddle, reminds me that maybe I'm not that sad haha), but I was with Kim and she was so excited for me. She blocked my knees and I stood...on my own! Eric wasn't even pushing my hips forward! Kim was like yelling in excitement! She said she could feel so much muscle activation in my legs and that the session went even better than last week. She even said she wished Dennis could reevaluate me weekly instead of monthly. I thought that'd never happen...I mean, my arms started to come back so fast and I was constantly achieving each goal I met. My therapists would set a goal for the week and I'd reach it the next day...or they'd give me adaptive equipment and I wouldn't need it by the time they figured out how to set it up for me. Reflecting on how fast all of that came made me frustrated that my legs weren't doing anything. And I was tired of hearing everyone say how well I was doing and how fast my recovery is going when it definitely didn't feel like that to me. All the time, I meet people at therapy that ask when I got sick and are shocked when I say September of 2015 because of how far I've come...everyone assumes it's been two or three years, not shy of just one. But a whole year seems like an eternity if you ask me! Anyways, I really am seeing constant changes and strength in my legs and this is what I've been waiting for. Kim said it isn't just about neural stimulation anymore and letting everyone "walk" me...it's now about seeing how much I can do and actually learning how to walk again. 

Mom and I went to dinner with Howard and Patrick. We had so much to talk about and it's nice when there's so much similarity in what we're going through. Howard knew exactly when I meant when I told him how Kim said I'm at the point where I need to "learn how to walk." He's been there- and not very long ago. He's the one that said it all started with a toe wiggle, then I got my toe wiggle that night. He can get up and walk- not far, but it's coming along. He's just struggling with some of the core strength, so he told me to keep working on that. It's so good to finally be able to have the opportunity to talk and get to know some of these people outside the 10minutes we get before the start of therapy. 

June 20

I knew June 20 was a good day because it's my grandparent's anniversary (they would've been married 63 years!)

I still miss him every single day, but at least it's good to know I have an angel watching over me.

Big things are happening. I feel like I'm finally gaining enough strength that my legs are starting to come along like my arms did. Instead of seeing changes weekly or even longer than that, I'm seeing differences on a daily basis. 

The walking in the pool went really well. Beth did say that I was using my core a lot, so I need to try to focus more on the bending and straightening of my knees, plus the activation of my glutes and hip flexors. That being said, she was still impressed and thought it went even better than last week.

Much to my dismay, Mom told Dennis she wanted me to be able to get from the ground back into my chair...or be able to tell someone how to help with that. My simple solution is to never get on the ground, but that wasn't a good enough answer haha. So we worked on transfer stuff. My triceps have never been very strong, so when Dennis said he wanted me to sit in front of this bench and try to push up with my arms, getting my butt up onto the bench, I kind of laughed. At first, I was barely getting any lift. I mean, it was pathetic. After practicing the technique, I was getting good clearance, but going backwards, up onto the bench was the hard part. I guess it's one of the hardest skills, and the therapists were actually impressed with how well I did for my first time. Now if I can just master that, we'll move to the next biggest bench and eventually the chair...but I'm thinking I need to work on my tricep strength first. 

For the second half of therapy, we did some walking over ground in the harness. It really does get better each time. I'm still keeping that left leg straight and today, Dennis said he felt more from my right leg than on Thursday. Also, he said I was almost bringing that right leg all the way through with each step. AND I had more hamstring activation than usual. 

Fundraising is coming along...I'm so thankful for everyone that has jumped at the opportunity to help piece together a few events. Maureen finalized the paintnite details and unfortunately, there's a limited number of tickets and I don't have any control over who gets them...it's just first come, first serve. I'm really hoping that so many people want to do it and either don't get a ticket or can't do it on July 13, so we have to set up another. Here's the link: 

https://paintnite.com/events/1094189.html

We also have some people trying to plan a run/walk event. It might not be until September, so the details are still coming together. The other event will hopefully be a cornhole tournament of some kind at the vineyard. I'd love to raise enough money for the bike, which is upwards of $15,000, and cover some of the medical a bills, like from UVA, Winchester, and Philadelphia..and now Baltimore. Especially since all the money is now coming from my parent's retirement fund...we joke that they're retiring and going to KKI. We also have expenses like housing and gas money from going back and forth to Baltimore, so really anything would help. I'll post updates on the events as we figure them out. 

July 16

What an amazing day! Like I've said, we live in a split foyer, so when Mom and I are home on Fridays, we have to leave the house when Dad does since it takes two people to get down the stairs. Unfortunately, this results in an increase in our grocery list (but it ends up saving us money when we don't have to buy food during the week in Baltimore!) anyways, we ran into Maureen in Target and got some of the details about paintnite worked out...she's been trying to plan paintnite for me as a fundraiser and I finally picked a picture: 

I posted on Facebook how I chose this picture and for everyone to save the date- July 13!!- and that more details were to follow. I said "Save the date! A friend is organizing a paintnite at the Green Turtle in Winchester on July 13 as a fundraising event for me. I got to pick the picture and I chose this one because life has its ups and downs, but just like a swing, it's more about the ride. It reminded me of the journey I'm on right now and I'm hoping others will come out and give me a 'push' towards my goals. We need 35 people to sign up! More info to come!" People went crazy!!! I needed 35 people for the event and I far exceeded that within 15 minutes!! It was incredible!! I'm hoping that I have so many people interested that I need to put together at least two events. 

Dusty and I hadn't spent much time together over the past week, so we made dinner reservations at The Butcher Station. Mom and I ended up being at a local vineyard for hours, making new friends and getting the VIP treatment. (Dusty didn't mind me being late because I told him that he could sit at the bar and have a few beers before I got there.) I showed up 30 minutes late for our reservation, which is so not like me, but it was such a great night. Jimmy, the cook, made me paella- which was my favorite food when I was in Spain! He made two orders for Dusty and I (and other customers were so jealous!) it was so incredible and I can't wait to go back! (And he gave me homemade ranch to take home with me since it's my favorite!!)

But seriously...it was the first time in awhile that I actually felt like myself...so often, I find myself being timid and quiet (which has never been my personality). But today, talking to people at the vineyard and talking to other customers at dinner, was like me again. Making conversation with strangers and not worrying about how they were viewing me...it was refreshing. And I didn't even think twice about it.

To top off such a great day, we were offered housing for next week. There aren't many openings for the week, so we thought we'd have to travel back and forth each day. Our friends offered their house, but it's not really handicap accessible since there are stairs. We thought that much be our best bet, but Sally and her husband, Brian, offered their Hilton points and to buy us a hotel room...it made us cry. It's so hard to be mad and frustrated at the current circumstances when we are constantly reminded of how many wonderful people we have in our lives and how blessed we are. At the end of the day, we are truly left speechless.