October 31

I have to admit that not all days are great days. It's easy to get caught up in social media and a specific "image" we want people to see. People only post the happy pictures and the fun adventures they're having on Facebook; you don't see their struggles or problems because who would want to make those public? I guess I'm a little guilty of this too, even in my blog. I try to be honest and vulnerable. I've admitted my own struggles throughout this journey, but I don't think I've opened up about some of that in a little while. I try to focus on the high points, the laughter, and the perfect pictures, but that's only a small portion of my life these days. I still have those moments when I ask God "why me?" or try to figure out what the "bigger plan" might be. I mean, there's got to be something bigger than this...this has to be preparing me for something larger than what I'm capable of imagining. I frequently get frustrated about little things...or at least things I think are little and should be simple, like washing the dishes. And when I can't reach the soap or the dial to turn off the water, I can't fight back the tears. Stupid, right? Some days I just get so frustrated with tasks that should take a few minutes get dragged out to triple that amount of time. At the end of the day, I'm even more frustrated that so much of my time gets wasted, especially these days when every minute is valuable and needs to be put towards therapy, working out or my mounds of homework.

I feel bad that it's usually Dusty that is present for all these minor "break downs." I mean, we only get so much time together due to his work and both of us dealing with school, so it's a shame. It's just easier to be vulnerable in front of him because he handles it the best. He always knows what to say--the perfect balance between being sympathetic and telling me to "get a grip." And he never makes it about himself, which is the best part. I don't know why we all have a tendency to bring up or own problems when someone opens up about their troubles. I've done it. It's almost like "you think you've got it bad? Well guess what I've been dealing with."

I'm trying to learn from all of this and become a better person from it. I'm taking how I feel and what I like or don't like about how people treat me and taking a note of it so that I can be that way with others. I read a quote today that said "if it's an experience that you learned something from, then it was worth it." I'm trying to pay attention to everything I'm learning so that I can say this was all worth it.